It has happened again. The same cycle - a news, a gap to absorb it, some reflections, the realization, the tears, and finally the memories. The only things that remain.
In the past few years - I have gone through this cycle several times. And it still does not cease to shock me each single time. It started with 'baba' - my paternal grandfather. Followed by his wife, my 'dadi'. Then it was Monty. A week after that was Jassimran. Then an uncle. A few days ago Sayak. And now my maternal grandfather - my 'nana'. All these have been cases of sudden deaths, not followed by any severe illness. All these people were hail and hearty moments before the lightening struck. Obviously they themselves won't have known that they were so close to the end - forget those around them. Okay, some of these people were somewhat old - but they were all quite active till moments before their deaths.
Today looked like a normal day - apart from the fact that there was too much work and I was in office on a Sunday. I wanted to complete some pending stuff for a customer visit that starts tomorrow. I was working on this presentation when I received a call from my brother - to tell me about the incident. The first reaction was shock and disbelief. Then the news sunk in. Nana? NANA? How...where...when? Apparently he slipped in the verandah and got hurt in his head. And before anyone could know a thing, it was all over. By the time I disconnected the call, the tears were already in full flow. I had not even spoken to him in the last few days...just postponing it to some other day. This is going to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I tried hard to get a ticket and board the next flight to Delhi - so that I could see him one last time before all we have are his photographs. But guess God had decided to punish me. I missed the flight by 10 minutes. And now here I am, thinking about him, and how I am not being able to accompany him in his last few hours in this world before he mixes with the five elements his body was made of.
There is not much difference in the way this cycle unfolds. And it always leaves me with some philosophical thoughts in my mind. What is the point of this life that we lead? Who knows what's in store in the next moment? We plan our lives years in advance, when we aren't even sure if we are going to see another new day. These thoughts are disturbing. But what is even more disturbing is that they are so short-lived. I mean I go in this phase of what-is-the-point-of-life when I experience any such incident - and after a few days, things get back to usual. The same routine, the same rat-race, the same lifestyle. Once in a while I come back to these thoughts - but for a very short span of time. Some would call it the resilience of human nature - that lets people survive the biggest adversities in life. I agree. Some would call it the stupidity of human beings - how people forget what their real destiny is and run after materialistic things. I agree to this as well. But then, what are we supposed to do? I mean, agreed that everyone is meant to die someday. But till the time a person is alive, what should he or she be doing? Should one be enjoying life to the fullest as per what one feels is important - or should one focus on things beyond one's selfish interests, and do something about humanity in general? I don't know which of these perspectives is right or wrong - I am no one to judge. All I feel is, as long as people who know someone remember him or her with fondness and love, that person has had a good life.
And from that perspective, I have no doubt that my nana had a wonderful life. I am sorry that I am not with you today nana - to wish you a final goodbye. But you will always be there with me and I know you will be blessing me like always - from wherever you are. I am surely going to miss you as hell. May your soul rest in peace.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Big Girl...
Niharika still remembers the day her 4th standard results were announced. She had passed, and would go to 5th standard now. All her family members and relatives had been so happy...and they told her she was a big girl now. Ofcourse, she thought. Girls who reach Class V are big girls. They are not kids any more...like those nursery or Class I/II girls. They are the senior most in primary school. And she was happy that she was one of those big girls now, who are considered to be mature, and are treated with respect like elders. She met her friend Shruti in the evening - in their colony's park, and they sat on a swing together. And they talked about their schools, friends, results as usual. And they marvelled, "Next year, we will go in Class VI!" They pushed the ground harder to increase the speed of the swing. "And then next to next year, in Class VII!!!" The swing's speed increased even more. "And then Class VIII!!!" Whoa! That was all. That was the extreme of their imagination. Reaching Class VIII looked like such a big goal in life. Completely overwhelmed, they could not think beyond.
Cut to 8 years later. Niharika is sitting in a room full of her Class XII batchmates and teachers. There is a group of people singing an emotional farewell song on stage. There are tears in Niharika's eyes. These friends - she does not know when will she meet them after this. Will she be able to stay in touch? Oh, how badly will she miss her school days! Why does this life have to end? The laughters, punishments, homework, fun - is it really getting over? Her wandering eyes spot Kailash, and she quickly looks away. Will she ever see him again? Kailash - her biggest crush in school, the first love of her life? She hasn't even spoken to him in over 4 years now. And she does not have the courage to even go and ask him to fill her slam book so that she gets his contact details at least. Should she? It does not matter. Because she knows she can't. She is way too shy to do this. And Pankhudi? Her best friend in school? Who knows what life has in store for their friendship. Can they live without each other? Does not look possible. Oh, it is so hard. And suddenly, out of nowhere, an image captures her mind. The image of Shruti and herself speeding up the swing, thinking 'We are big girls now!' And she smiles bitterly. Ya, right. Big girls? In Class V? How stupid were we back then - not even knowing what life is all about. Now is the time when she actually feels she has become a big girl - so much more mature than she ever was. Yes, she is really a big girl now.
Cut to 3 more years later. Niharika is again sitting in a room with some of her friends. Their graduation final year results are out. And that means, it is end of college. Another ending in life. Another time to part with people she has become close to. Another time to leave the surroundings she has become so used to. But this time this is not so difficult. She has the contact numbers of all her friends. And she knows she can stay in touch with them forever. Now is the time to do something big in life. They are graduates now, with numerous dreams in their eyes. There is so much to do...so much to achieve. It is time to make all dreams come true. She is ready to take on the world. And suddenly, she again thinks of that evening on that swing with Shruti, and laughs aloud. She can't believe she was so naive. And she also thinks about her Class XII farewell. That brings a smile today. Well, she is in touch with some of her friends from school. She has not seen or spoken to Kailash since then - but that seems such a distant memory now. She has definitely grown as an individual, learnt so much in life. She feels she is so much mature now - she knows what to do with her life. She has really become a big girl now - in the true sense.
Cut to today. It's been 5 years since her graduation. She has just come back from work, and is extremely disillusioned. She has just begun to see some realities of the corporate world. The cut-throat competition. The lows people hit to achieve something they think is success. The back-stabbing. The deceits. These things have hit her hard. Her beliefs that everything around her is fair have shattered. She has seen people changing colours. People she used to admire have turned into filth she does not want to look at. In her personal life too, she has seen multiple facets of various people. She has experienced deceit from people closest to her. She has learnt not to trust easily. And for some reason - she can't stop thinking about those innocent days she has left behind. The days when it was so easy to pour her heart out to Shruti or Pankhudi - without having to think what they would do with that information. The days where games meant pure fun - and did not hurt like the games people played with each other in her current stage of life. It seems immaterial that she is a big girl now. She just wants to go back to those days of being naive and stupid. That life seems so much simpler. And as she is thinking - she realizes one more thing. At every stage of her life, she has felt she had already seen what life had to offer, and was mature enough to handle anything that comes her way. Only to be proven wrong at a later stage. And for sure, there is another stage in life yet to come, that will make her feel how immature she was when she was getting upset over these small issues in life.
She realizes, that in reality, she is never going to be a big girl - ever. She will always have more things to learn, new experiences to encounter - that will leave her with more maturity than she already had. She is surprised that it has taken her so long to understand this small truth. She was almost going to believe once again that she has become a big girl with these newly found experiences. But no, not again. The truth is, there are many more things to come in life - and she just wants to be ready to learn from them. Never again would she think of herself as a big girl.
Cut to 8 years later. Niharika is sitting in a room full of her Class XII batchmates and teachers. There is a group of people singing an emotional farewell song on stage. There are tears in Niharika's eyes. These friends - she does not know when will she meet them after this. Will she be able to stay in touch? Oh, how badly will she miss her school days! Why does this life have to end? The laughters, punishments, homework, fun - is it really getting over? Her wandering eyes spot Kailash, and she quickly looks away. Will she ever see him again? Kailash - her biggest crush in school, the first love of her life? She hasn't even spoken to him in over 4 years now. And she does not have the courage to even go and ask him to fill her slam book so that she gets his contact details at least. Should she? It does not matter. Because she knows she can't. She is way too shy to do this. And Pankhudi? Her best friend in school? Who knows what life has in store for their friendship. Can they live without each other? Does not look possible. Oh, it is so hard. And suddenly, out of nowhere, an image captures her mind. The image of Shruti and herself speeding up the swing, thinking 'We are big girls now!' And she smiles bitterly. Ya, right. Big girls? In Class V? How stupid were we back then - not even knowing what life is all about. Now is the time when she actually feels she has become a big girl - so much more mature than she ever was. Yes, she is really a big girl now.
Cut to 3 more years later. Niharika is again sitting in a room with some of her friends. Their graduation final year results are out. And that means, it is end of college. Another ending in life. Another time to part with people she has become close to. Another time to leave the surroundings she has become so used to. But this time this is not so difficult. She has the contact numbers of all her friends. And she knows she can stay in touch with them forever. Now is the time to do something big in life. They are graduates now, with numerous dreams in their eyes. There is so much to do...so much to achieve. It is time to make all dreams come true. She is ready to take on the world. And suddenly, she again thinks of that evening on that swing with Shruti, and laughs aloud. She can't believe she was so naive. And she also thinks about her Class XII farewell. That brings a smile today. Well, she is in touch with some of her friends from school. She has not seen or spoken to Kailash since then - but that seems such a distant memory now. She has definitely grown as an individual, learnt so much in life. She feels she is so much mature now - she knows what to do with her life. She has really become a big girl now - in the true sense.
Cut to today. It's been 5 years since her graduation. She has just come back from work, and is extremely disillusioned. She has just begun to see some realities of the corporate world. The cut-throat competition. The lows people hit to achieve something they think is success. The back-stabbing. The deceits. These things have hit her hard. Her beliefs that everything around her is fair have shattered. She has seen people changing colours. People she used to admire have turned into filth she does not want to look at. In her personal life too, she has seen multiple facets of various people. She has experienced deceit from people closest to her. She has learnt not to trust easily. And for some reason - she can't stop thinking about those innocent days she has left behind. The days when it was so easy to pour her heart out to Shruti or Pankhudi - without having to think what they would do with that information. The days where games meant pure fun - and did not hurt like the games people played with each other in her current stage of life. It seems immaterial that she is a big girl now. She just wants to go back to those days of being naive and stupid. That life seems so much simpler. And as she is thinking - she realizes one more thing. At every stage of her life, she has felt she had already seen what life had to offer, and was mature enough to handle anything that comes her way. Only to be proven wrong at a later stage. And for sure, there is another stage in life yet to come, that will make her feel how immature she was when she was getting upset over these small issues in life.
She realizes, that in reality, she is never going to be a big girl - ever. She will always have more things to learn, new experiences to encounter - that will leave her with more maturity than she already had. She is surprised that it has taken her so long to understand this small truth. She was almost going to believe once again that she has become a big girl with these newly found experiences. But no, not again. The truth is, there are many more things to come in life - and she just wants to be ready to learn from them. Never again would she think of herself as a big girl.
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