The Pledge

Okay, so I have reached the other side of goodbye, and this is my first post from there. As anticipated, it is quite amazing out here in California, and though I miss India, I know I am going to have a blast here. It has been about two weeks since we moved, and we have already settled down quite a bit (the complete set up may take some more time, but the basic stuff is done.) We've got a nice apartment, the kitchen is all set, essential furniture has also been bought and assembled, we've got bikes for some mobility, have applied for SSN, and opened bank accounts. My husband has joined work and I am in the process of applying for my work permit. And we have started preparing for the driving license test. That was a quick update on where things are.

 

Now, everyone back home has been asking me how I am finding it here, since this is my first time in the US. Well, after having spent thirty one years in India, US is definitely a new world altogether. From assembling our own furniture to cooking and cleaning on our own instead of happily letting the maids take care of everything, lots of things have changed. Though the various equipments do make household chores more convenient, we are yet to get used to doing everything ourselves. And while I am enjoying learning new ways and eating food that I cook as of now, let's see how long that lasts. But that's not the only thing I have to get used to. The eerie quietness that surrounds me all day long gets to me sometimes, after the constant sound of life I was accustomed to in India. I suppose I will really start to like the silence in a few weeks, but as of now I whole heartedly welcome the sound of the Caltrain that passes by through one of the nearby tracks every few hours. Another thing that takes me totally by surprise even after two weeks here is when cars seem to stop miles away upon seeing me cross a road, unlike in India where at most places one has to brace oneself and bravely walk right in to the chaotic traffic. There are more cars than people to be seen on the roads here, and I almost squealed with delight when I saw a crowd at a farmer's market. My husband, who has been to the US several times in the past, seems to be quite amused by how I am adapting to this new life. It is all a lot of fun, and I am enjoying every bit of it. 

 

So that's the story so far. Now, I offer you a glimpse of what lies ahead. In an earlier post, I had talked about how my life was all set for a massive change. Well, the process has begun. As I wait for my work permit and my husband gets busy with his work, I will have ample time to do the things I have been longing to do for years. And if things go as per my plan, the work permit should only enable me to get paid for the things that I love doing. The next few months will be focused on finding some answers. And to ensure that I have some accountability, I would like to announce what I intend to accomplish in the next three months.

 

My Goals for the Next Three Months:

 

1. To take up and complete a course from Live Your Legend (more on this in a separate post)

2. To complete the first draft of a book I have been working on

3. To resume a regular habit of exercising – a combination of Zumba, walking, running, biking – one hour every day, 5 days a week

 

I have some smaller goals too, which I will talk about if the need arises. But for now, I take the pledge to stay true to the ones listed above. Wish me luck...I will need it on this new journey that I begin today!

The Other Side of Goodbye

I pack my bags as the sun sets, it’s time for another goodbye,

Time to leave the city that was home, I guess it’s okay if I cry.

‘It’s a choice I’ve made’ - I tell myself, I must move on to grow,

It’s a beautiful place where I’m going, I will finally see it snow!

So, while I’m sad to be leaving, 

It’s also a wonderful feeling, 

Waiting for the other side of goodbye… 

Waiting for the other side of goodbye. 

All my life, there’ve been times, when I had to say goodbye, 

Childhood, school, and college days, now youth seems passing by. 

One by one, lost touch with friends, and places I had loved, 

Though it’s hard, with each goodbye, one thing I’ve discovered, 

No matter what I leave behind, 

Irrespective of the ties that bind, 

There’s always the other side of goodbye, 

There’s always the other side of goodbye. 

On the other side, I’ve found new friends, and new places to love, 

New memories, new hopes and dreams, I’ve fit like hand in glove. 

A goodbye is the end to something, but also a new beginning, 

I leave something behind and move on, to play another inning. 

And so, I’ve come to rely, 

It’s something I can’t deny, 

There’s always the other side of goodbye, 

There’s always the other side of goodbye. 

Life will go on, goodbye after goodbye, like it’s done so far, 

Until the day it has to end, like all our lives are. 

That’ll be a final goodbye, to all hopes and joys and dreams, 

There’s much to do and so little time, life’s shorter than it seems. 

The time will quickly fly, 

And who knows what’ll lie, 

On the other side of that goodbye... 

On the other side of that goodbye. 

So putting aside the smaller goodbyes, I should think of the final one, 

What legacy would remain of me, when all is said and done. 

I must find out what I want to achieve, what brings true joy to my soul, 

So that I can have a fulfilling life, by pursuing that goal. 

And when it’s time to go, 

I hope to feel joy, not sorrow, 

In getting to the other side of goodbye, 

In getting to the other side of goodbye.

Teej Compliance

Teej, as some of you would know, is a festival celebrated in various parts of India. The customs and rituals vary from state to state, but essentially, it is observed by married women for the wellness of their husband, and also by unmarried girls in the hope of finding a worthy husband in the future.

I, however, have always remembered festivals like Teej and Karvachauth as days on which married women in my family would observe a “nirajal vrat” - a fast without having even a drop of water or a grain of food for the entire day. As a child, I was always amazed to see them achieve this feat year after year, rather cheerfully. Unmarried girls in my family were not expected to fast in order to secure a good husband for the future, and I was immensely grateful for that. But I used to dread the day when I would grow up and get married and be expected to fast for my husband. I was fairly sure I won’t survive my first Teej. Which is why my first Teej last year became quite a memorable experience for me.

As it turned out, despite not observing the fast when I was unmarried, I am blessed with not just a “good” husband, but one who tends to weigh all social conformance on the balance of logic. And someone’s well being depending on someone else fasting is something that absolutely makes no sense to him (like Paresh Rawal said to his daughter in Oh My God! - this concept is like your mother putting her phone up for charge, and MY phone’s battery getting charged instead.) And not just my husband, my in-laws also are fairly unconventional, and no one expected me to fast on my first Teej. (Yay!) All my mother-in-law wanted me to do on that day was - a) wear new clothes; b) pray to Lord Shiva; c) Avoid eating meat (and prevent her son also from eating it.)

Needless to say, I was delighted with these minimal expectations, but my husband - Siddharth, was quite upset having being told that he should not eat meat on that day (not because he needs meat every day, but because this condition again weighed heavily on the illogical side of things.) He did comply eventually, but was visibly annoyed. Anyway.

So in the evening on the day of my first Teej, I promptly wore a new sari, and got ready to pray to Lord Shiva. Which is when I realized that we did not have a single idol or photo of any of the 33 crore Indian gods anywhere in the house. (I think of myself as being more God-loving than God-fearing, and am not much into idol/photo worshipping, though I do believe in God, and Siddharth, predictably, is a non-believer, given the disbalance the belief in such an entity would cause in his weighing scale of logic) Hence the absence of any specific idols for prayer.

“What should we do?” I asked Siddharth.

“Whatever you want. This is between my mother and you. I am not a part of this!” - he was still sulking, obviously.

“Oh, come on! I am doing this for your well-being, remember?”

He looked at me with raised eyebrows, which was enough to signal that this line of reasoning would not fetch me any useful results.

“Please help! This sari is starting to get uncomfortable!” I immediately changed my tone as well as my argument.

This happened to work. He sighed and agreed to help me out. In a short while, he had found and printed a photo of Lord Shiva from the internet, which I duly pasted on the wall of a wooden cupboard built by our landlord as the pooja ghar - a place for prayer.

Dressed up in a nice pink sari, with Lord Shiva in front of my eyes, I was all set to pray. I closed my eyes, folded my hands, and bowed my head in front of the photo. I thought of singing a bhajan or an aarti praising Lord Shiva, and racked my brain to remember even two lines. But the only things that came back to me were images of Rajesh Khanna and Mumtaz dancing on Jai Jai Shiv Shankarrrrr! And there I stood, with folded hands and bowed head, laughing away to glory.

Siddharth, who had been waiting for my prayers to get over so that we could have dinner, looked at me with expressions of utter disbelief on his face, shook his head, and went away. I quickly moved on with praying, without singing, of course, and finished with my usual prayer of thanking God for everything.

I had bought some laddoos from Dadu’s to pacify Siddharth, and that is one thing that never fails to cheer him up. So after the prayers, we had a vegetarian dinner followed by the mouth watering laddoos, post which Siddharth clicked a photo of us (as you can see, he refused to even dress in traditional clothes as a part of his rebellion), and sent it to our families. The subject said - Teej Compliance.
 

All smiles after eating laddoos

 And that was the story of my first Teej.

Finding Answers

“To all your problems, you are the only solution. To all your questions, you are the only answer.” - Anonymous

It is interesting how life never seems to really stabilize. After everything that you were hoping will provide stability to your life has been achieved, after a while, you are left wondering – okay, what next? I have been truly amazed with my latest experience in this regard.

The last four years of my life have revolved around one single theme – getting married. It had seemed like THE most important decision in life, with no room for error. And rightly so (ONE of the most important, in any case.) Therefore, it was a stressful experience to search for 'a suitable boy.' In those years filled with enormous fears of never meeting the right person to spend my life with, it had seemed that if I get this right, the rest of my life will more or less fall into place. So, when I did meet the right person, I was elated. It was like having found the Ultimate Answer (and the Ultimate Question) in one single package.

Unfortunately, that ecstasy lasted only for a few months. Not because I was not enjoying married life (which I still find quite wonderful,) but because with this major milestone behind it, my brain soon started bombarding me with a million other questions.

'Okay, so you have started a happy married life. But, what next? What is the purpose of your life? What are you doing with your life? Aren't you wasting your time doing something else when you want to do something entirely different? Whatever happened to your dreams? When was the last time you wrote something? When exactly do you plan to do something meaningful with your life, a topic you have been talking about forever? How will you feel about this life you are leading when you turn eighty? And by the way, do you think you will live to celebrate your eightieth birthday given your current lifestyle?'

These, and many other such questions started bothering me a few months after I got married. To find some solace, I started reading up on these subjects, and realized that there are many, many people out there who have had similar questions about their lives. The only difference is, quite a few of them have been taking action, and as a result, finding answers. And I would really like to become one such person.

Fortunately, at this point, the setting in my life is ideal for a massive change. I have a clear choice, that has been handed over to me on a platter. I am moving to a new country, and will have three months of purely guilt free time to do whatever I want, because it will take me that long to get a work permit. What I do in those three months, can change my life. I have some ideas, which I will talk about in subsequent posts. But the point of this post is that right in front of me lies a concrete opportunity to change my life, and I have absolutely no excuses of not having enough time, not knowing what to do, or anything else for that matter. The only question for which I need to find the answer right now is, am I brave enough to boldly go where I have not gone before?              

Of Friendships Lost and Found

When I was in the later years of school, “Friendship Day” was akin to a festival in my life. To not wish my friends on this day was unthinkable. If a friend forgot to wish me, it was unforgivable. I still remember spending hours looking through the shelves of the Archies Gallery in Baldev Plaza, searching for that perfect card, one which will give words to the sea of emotions I felt within me - the immense love and gratitude I felt for having the most amazing friends in the world. The only people who understood me, the only ones with whom I could discuss anything under the sun...I would spend hours on phone talking to them, much to the consternation of my family. And no matter how much my mother signalled for me to cut the conversation short (fearing the rising telephone bill, cost inevitably being a major concern in our middle-class family), I would continue, often falsely signalling back that it was the other person who had called me, and we were not being charged for the call. I had cherished those friendships and those people like nothing else in my life, and had always known that we will be best friends forever.

Which is why when some of those friendships didn’t last, it took me a long time to recover from the shock. May be it was my fault, may be it was theirs, or maybe the circumstances became too tough for our friendship to stand the test. Whatever be the reasons, the fact is that I lost touch with some of those friends over time, with which, the concept of “best friends forever” lost all meaning for me. Despite my initial disbelief, I eventually realized that like everything else in life, friendships also are ephemeral.

But just as we do not stop living life because we know it will end one day, it would be silly to stop making friends just because some of those friendships might not last forever. The friendships that didn’t last in my life, were enriching experiences nevertheless. They had a major role to play in making me the person that I have become today (and I really like this person, despite her imperfections.) If I had not learnt a thousand lessons during those friendships, and even after they ended, my life could have been very different. And in any case...it wouldn’t have been worth it to deprive myself of the joys of friendships, for as long as they lasted.

So, as school days gave way to college days and professional life, I made new friends. Contrary to the popular belief that one can’t find true friendships at the workplace, I have found some really dear friends in office. I also rediscovered some old friends, and renewed my friendships with them. Though the problems and challenges to be tackled kept changing with each stage of life, I was always fortunate enough to have some wonderful friends around me, to help me study during exams; to give me a pep talk and cheer me up at the time of heartbreaks; to tell me how my sorrow was nothing as compared to theirs, thus making me look at the brighter side of things in life; and as we collectively approached our thirties, to endlessly discuss the burning topic of marriage and how our parents and relatives seemed unable to understand us in this regard. Through all these years, though “Friendship Day” did not continue to be as big a festival in my life as it had been earlier, it did serve as a day to be grateful for my friends.

With the latest development of getting married slightly over a year ago, the time I spend with my friends has been on a decline. I no longer have frequent long conversations with them. We talk once in a while instead of the hourly long calls every other day, have quick “How are you doing?” chats on Whatsapp instead of spending the entire day on GTalk, send “Happy Birthday!” messages in the day instead of calling each other at 12 AM, and get to know a lot of stuff about each other from Facebook instead of “Hey, I have to tell you something!” phone calls.

There could be several reasons for this. Like me, most of my friends have either gotten married recently, or are likely to do so in the next few years. There is a definite shift in priorities after marriage - I know this from experience now. It has happened with me, and I am sure it would have happened with others too. So yes, my friends and I have been spending a little less time together now. But that does not mean that the importance of friends or friendship has decreased in my life. I still think about all my friends often, and would like to get better at keeping in touch.

I think all friendships evolve over time, and will undergo change. And though I don't anymore promise anyone that we will be best friends forever, I would like all my friends to know that I love them all, and I am there for them even if we have not spoken much lately. I wish you all a very Happy Friendship Day!

Flying Solo

“Alone??? Have you lost your mind???” My boss was looking at me incredulously.

“You will get bored out of your wits!” A friend told me.

“So, I hear you are off to the Himalayas?” My aunt asked sarcastically.

“Hope you have got your kamandal with you?” Were my cousin’s encouraging words.

“Madam, what will you do here alone for so many days?” Even the resort manager was shocked. 

I grinned at most of these reactions, reveling in the confusion I was causing in people’s minds. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I had made up my mind. The Bull, had decided. I was going on a week’s vacation – all alone.

It had started off as a group plan, but people gradually started backing off. I desperately needed a vacation, it was long due. Also, I felt the timing was perfect…I was in a transition phase on the work front, and this break would give me time to relax and get rejuvenated for the new beginning I am so looking forward to.

So when I realized others will ditch me at the last minute (as usual), I decided to plan for a solo trip. Once the idea occurred to me, its appeal kept increasing with every passing moment. Alone, I would be free to do what I want, not worrying about taking the group along. I didn’t want to do much on this vacation, just stay indoors, enjoy peace at a place close to nature, read, and write. Moreover, a lot has been happening in life lately, and being alone would give me an opportunity to absorb everything, and introspect, without interruptions. A vacation alone sounded like the perfect thing.

My parents were a little worried. Who goes on a vacation alone? And that too, akeli ladki?! Is everything alright? Has their daughter gone insane, like their son claims? Well…none of this, I assured them. I just want sometime by myself, that’s all. And as for insanity, between my brother and me, it will be him first, obviously.

Anyway, the place I chose was Lansdowne, primarily because it is easy to reach from Delhi, I had loved it when I visited it last year, got a good deal in the resort I wanted to stay in, and the fact that it does not have proper mobile network coverage. Yes, that’s the level of peace I was looking for.

So, I packed more books than clothes, laptop, notebooks, and was off for my first ever – solo vacation.

Today is my last day in Lansdowne…I leave by the night train. The last 6 days, in one word, have been AWESOME. I was able to do all that I had planned. Read, wrote, slept, had tea while looking at the mountains, took a walk in the hills, enjoyed the rains. I was also able to successfully avoid what I did not want to do: receive or make phone calls, read/post Facebook status updates, check mails – on Outlook or otherwise. A very successful vacation indeed.

By the time I post this on my blog, I will be back in Delhi. My heart has mixed feelings about leaving. One part of me does not want to go. It feels that it will really miss the lazy lamhe spent here, looking over the beautiful hills and valleys, sipping tea. But there is another part, which is kind of missing all the drama in life. The cribbing, the fighting, the laughing, the crying, the talking, the Facebooking. It’s ironical, how I came looking for a getaway from all of this, and am leaving eager to get back to the same old life! I want my phone to ring, to talk to my friends, to get up in the morning and go to work! This is a side effect of the vacation I had not imagined in the wildest of my dreams. Weird life!

Oh, by the way, it’s 6 PM, and is getting foggy outside in Lansdowne. I am going to go and catch the last few glimpses of the beautiful scenery from my room’s balcony. I know I will do this again…the solo vacation, when I get really tired of the drama again. And as it turns out, such a vacation will not only rejuvenate me, it will also remind me how much I love the drama, after all! That’s not such a bad deal, is it?

  

Turning 29

No, this is not an attempt to hide my real age. On the contrary, it is an honest, and I would say rather brave admission of the fact that I have indeed, turned 29 today. A year away from the big 30, this birthday is special in its own way.

Exactly two weeks ago, I was in a state where the whole of my life seemed really messed up, and I was going through one of the toughest times in my life: physically, as well as emotionally. I was suffering from high fever and weakness, which later was found to be due to a lack of proper blood count and low hemoglobin. Personally, things did not seem to be heading anywhere. Going backwards, actually, and that can be quite frustrating. On the professional front, though things were better, but I had started feeling a kind of saturation point with what I was doing, and for the first time in the last 4 years, was not really enjoying it. And to make matters worse, I was going to turn 29 in two weeks – which would usher me into the last year of being in my twenties. Talk about having reasons to be depressed.

A lot of things have happened in the last two weeks. Awful lot has changed. For good. And as I turn 29 today, all I feel is immense gratitude for all that I have. I have never been more at peace.

It all began with this book I was reading. It’s called “Conversations with God.” It is a fascinating dialogue between the author (Neale Donald Walsch) and God Himself, apparently. It talks about how God actually has nothing much to do with our lives, except having created it. And how we, as individuals, have complete power to create our own lives…through our thoughts, words, and actions.

Over the past couple of years, this has been a recurring theme in a lot of stuff that I have read/seen. Gautam Buddha had said so (“All that we are is the result of what we have thought”). Bhagvad Gita talks about how you create your own life through your Karma. The whole concept of “The Secret” is around the Law of Attraction and how the Universe works towards giving you whatever you have asked for. Even SRK said it in Om Shanti Om: Itni shiddat se…you know? But, while this was a recurring theme, it is only after reading Conversations with God, that I was completely convinced at a theoretical level that all this is true, and I indeed have created the mess in my life through my own thoughts and deeds. And if I am responsible for the mess, I am also the one who has the power to clean it up. So, I decided to put this theory into practice and see how it works.

As a first step, I started thinking about how did I land up here in the first place. I needed to know which thoughts and actions in particular would have had this impact, because I needed to eliminate them from my mind. The more I thought, the more I realized. Life was good, but I was not at peace. The main reason for that was perhaps that I was still holding on to some ghosts from my past. Some people, some experiences, some grudges…that I had not been able to let go from my heart. I had cut some people out of my life, because being around them was a constant reminder of what had happened. But cutting people out of your life also leaves you wounded. You can’t just delete people from your memory, right? You can stop taking their calls, delete them from Facebook, delete their messages and contact details…but the harder you try to forget someone, the harder it gets to accomplish it. And especially if some of those people have been your dearest friends, with whom you have shared some fondest memories, it really hurts. And just when you start thinking that so and so is out of your life and you are over him or her, one fine day, out of nowhere, a small remark/joke/movie/song/place/name – brings it all back. The smallest of memories, the slightest of details – all come alive. And you are left with a bitter sweet taste in your mouth, seeing all the effort gone in vain. So yes, I had cut some people out of my life for my mental peace, but that was not helping. There were times when I would find myself thinking why did it have to happen the way it did etc etc etc…and feel bad for myself. And this kind of thinking could obviously not create bliss in my life.

And interestingly, I had not learnt my lesson yet. I had not realized that running away from someone is not the solution. Of course it helps to an extent to not be in touch if you want to get away from someone, but only to an extent. To really be happy, you need to make your peace with what has happened. I was on the verge of cutting some more important people out of my life…because I perceived a lot of pain coming my way had I continued to be in touch with them. Thankfully, that’s when this book happened to me. And I realized so many things about life. What someone else says or does, is not in your control. How you react to it, however, is. You can control your thoughts, words, and actions, not someone else’s. And your own thoughts are responsible for creating your life.Will people still hurt you? Yes. Will you be able to stay aloof and unperturbed all the time? No. But can you think over it, overcome it, and make your peace with it? I think yes. May be it will take some time. It is not very easy as well. But it is possible.

I have tried to do that in the last two weeks. I have made my peace with those people and those situations that had been haunting me for years. This does not mean that I called all of them up and said, Hey! Let’s forget about what happened and be friends again. No. But yes, I did make a conscious effort to acknowledge that they had their reasons for doing what they did. I have nothing to do with those reasons as I can’t do anything about them. Everybody has a right to their life, and to the choices that they make. I am no one to judge anyone for being right or wrong. As long as I know that I did not deliberately hurt someone, and don’t regret the choices that I have made in life, I am fine. Nothing else matters. And ultimately, things will work out for the best...like they always have.

So here I am, at the end of these eventful two weeks, feeling transformed, with a resolve to think better and create a better life for myself. That should take care of a lot of things. I have not exactly arrived in implementing the theory yet, but as I said earlier, I have never been this peaceful.

As for the last one of my worries - getting older by another year, well, here is what I came across somewhere recently: Growing old beats the alternative – dying young. Doesn't it? Of course! Hands down! I mean, what choice do we have in this regard, really? Given a choice, what will I choose? Growing old, or dying young? So there goes all the fretting about turning 29. I have lived long enough to celebrate my 29^th birthday, that’s good, ain’t it? So, here’s wishing me a very Happy 29^th Birthday. May I keep growing older (and wiser?!), year after year! Amen.