Dear 2010,
Like any other year, it is time for you to end. I am all set to welcome 2011 – I have high hopes from the New Year. But I wanted to take some time out…to thank you, for being such a special year. Now I am not judging you, as having been good or bad. I am just saying that you have turned out to be special for me as a person, in more ways than one, and I am thankful for it.
There are various reasons why I feel that way. I will try and write them down as they randomly come to my mind. To begin with, you will always remain the year in which I gathered the courage to start my blog. This was a significant development in my life. Then, you will always be the year in which I learnt driving – something I had wanted to do for a long, long time now. You will remain the year in which I discovered the traveller in me, and made a record number of trips. The year in which I shed some very old, very heavy baggage – and it was not an easy thing to do. The year in which I reconnected with some old friends and redefined my friendships with them. The year in which I made some new, awesome friends. The year in which I got my first promotion. The year in which I began to see the true colours of the corporate world. The year in which I learnt to let go at times. The year in which I learnt millions of things about relationships…thanks to numerous discussions with a few friends. Boy, you surely have been an interesting year!
In some ways, I don’t want you to end. But in some other ways, I do. Situations like this fill my heart with an inexplicable emotion. It is a strange mix of sorrow and joy. I am sad that you will be gone, but I am so excited to enter 2011. The memories I built in you will make my heart to ache at times. But I can’t wait to build new memories in 2011. I will be sad to part from friends when I move to a different city in 2011. But my heart soars when I think of friends I am going to be with in that city. Well, I can go on and on about the contrasts of life, but the fact is, as time passes, we need to move on. So, my friend, it is time for you also to move on, your part is done.
Thank you 2010, once again. There is another week of you lying ahead of me, and I am going for another trip – to make the most of this time. Years will come and go, but you will always remain uniquely important in my life. Goodbye.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Shikva
गैरों के छलने पर शिकवा करते हो,
उससे पूछो जो अपनों से छला गया है.
गैरों का क्या है, उनसे तुमको क्या लेना,
आज साथ हैं कल ठुकरा कर चल देंगे,
उन्हें नहीं कुछ पड़ी तुम्हारे आंसू की,
ये मत सोचो साथ सदा, हर पल देंगे.
पर ये सब तो ज़ाहिर है, सदमा कैसा?
उसकी सोचो जिसका अपना चला गया है.
वो बेचारा तो सपनों में खोया होगा,
नींद भरी रातों में थक कर सोया होगा,
इक पल को भी उसने ये ना सोचा होगा,
उसका हमदम ही उसको यूँ धोखा देगा.
सोचो उस पर आख़िर कैसी गुज़री होगी,
दोस्त बनाकर काटा जिसका गला गया है.
उसने सोचा होगा बिछड़ा यार मिला है,
बरसों बाद किसी का सच्चा प्यार मिला है,
उसे क्या पता पल भर की ये खुशियाँ हैं,
सच में तो उसको झूठा संसार मिला है.
कहाँ आरज़ू थी ज़ख्मों को मरहम की,
कहाँ ज़ख्म पर नमक और कुछ मला गया है.
गैरों के छलने पर शिकवा करते हो,
उससे पूछो जो अपनों से छला गया है.
उससे पूछो जो अपनों से छला गया है.
गैरों का क्या है, उनसे तुमको क्या लेना,
आज साथ हैं कल ठुकरा कर चल देंगे,
उन्हें नहीं कुछ पड़ी तुम्हारे आंसू की,
ये मत सोचो साथ सदा, हर पल देंगे.
पर ये सब तो ज़ाहिर है, सदमा कैसा?
उसकी सोचो जिसका अपना चला गया है.
वो बेचारा तो सपनों में खोया होगा,
नींद भरी रातों में थक कर सोया होगा,
इक पल को भी उसने ये ना सोचा होगा,
उसका हमदम ही उसको यूँ धोखा देगा.
सोचो उस पर आख़िर कैसी गुज़री होगी,
दोस्त बनाकर काटा जिसका गला गया है.
उसने सोचा होगा बिछड़ा यार मिला है,
बरसों बाद किसी का सच्चा प्यार मिला है,
उसे क्या पता पल भर की ये खुशियाँ हैं,
सच में तो उसको झूठा संसार मिला है.
कहाँ आरज़ू थी ज़ख्मों को मरहम की,
कहाँ ज़ख्म पर नमक और कुछ मला गया है.
गैरों के छलने पर शिकवा करते हो,
उससे पूछो जो अपनों से छला गया है.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The POWER of LOVE
‘Out of my thoughts? You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since - on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!’
This is my favourite excerpt from the novel 'Great Expectations' - by Charles Dickens. I had read this way back in school, but it has been the epitome of the intensity of love for me all these years. I get goosebumps every time I read it - even today. I feel sad for Pip, for his unconditional, unrequited love for Estella. I feel angry with Estella, for breaking his heart. I pity her, for not being able to see what she is losing. And my heart goes out to Pip - for still wishing her well, for still trying to associate her with the positive aspects of his life. For still being hopelessly in love with her.
I was reminded of this paragraph by something that I read today. This article was about a girl - who is unable to share her feelings with the love of her life, for the fear of losing him. She wants to tell him how just being with him makes her world meaningful, and her life worth living. She wants him to know that she sometimes does not make sense because all she wants is to talk to him - even when there is nothing to say. She wants to tell him how he is the first person she thinks about when she opens her eyes in the morning, and the last person she thinks about before she goes to sleep. And if it is possible, her love for him seems to be increasing day by day. But she is unable to say all this, and just hopes that one day, when she shares this with him, he will understand her feelings and love her back.
When I think of what is it that strikes me so much about both these stories, I realize that it is nothing but the power of love. The fact that love can influence someone's life to such an extent amazes me. For both the characters mentioned above, love is an integral part of every small thing that they do. They read, they think of love. They look at nature, they think of love. Love governs every waking moment of their life. And it governs their dreams. Just how powerful is this one single emotion in anybody's life?
The more I think about it, the more I get convinced that in some way or the other, love is the single most powerful emotion behind anything that anyone does. It is the force that drives people towards the behaviour that they exhibit. Love might have various forms - like the love in the two examples mentioned above, between two lovers. Or the love between parents and kids, siblings, friends, neighbours. Or it could be one's love with one's work, hobby, religion, country, God, or even one's self. But no matter what form it takes, love can drive people to unimaginable limits. It has the power to make or break lives. It can cause the biggest joys and the greatest sorrows. It can lift spirits in a second, and sink one's heart in a blow. It can give someone the reason to live, and can be the cause for someone to die. It can lead to a sense of lifelong fulfilment, and a sense of lifetime regret. It has the power to create and the power to destroy. Love...can do all this, and much, much more.
But it is surprising how a lot of us tend to ignore this power. In the hectic schedule of everyday life, we forget what exactly is it that we wanted when we started chasing our dreams. When this journey began, all a majority of us wanted to do was - to make our loved ones and ourselves happy because we loved them. We told ourselves that one day, we will fulfill all our dreams, and be happy in life. Sadly, we didn't even realize when we got trapped in society's definition of success, and have since been. Our happiness and success started getting measured by how many zeroes are there in our salary, how many cars do we possess, and how luxurious a house do we stay in. Whether we really enjoy spending that money with our loved ones, or have the time to take our family out for a ride in those flashy cars, or are able to play with our kids in that lush green garden in our palatial house - does not seem to matter. But the truth in my opinion is, that at the end of the day, it does matter whether we have someone to share our joys and sorrows with or not. It does matter whether someone is there to applaud us when we achieve something, and pep us up when we fail. It does make a difference when we know someone genuinely loves and cares for us, and will be there for us - no matter what.
The good thing is, most of us, have people in our lives who make this differnce through their unconditional love for us. The sad part is, many a times, we take them for granted - knowing they are there and always will be. This might not be the case forever. There are so many relationships that break today, because the people involved do not have time for each other. So many families split up, becuase people lose focus of what is important. By the time they realize what they have lost, it often is too late. If only, we acknowledge the power of love and the wonders it can do - may be the world will be a better place to live in.
However, this realization is not new to me - I have felt all this multiple times. And to be honest, I also know that once I am out of this state of mind, I might forget most of this, and start running in the rat race of life yet again. Through this write-up, I want to make an attempt to keep reminding myself that one thing - that is, and should be more important than everything else in this world - is love - and the people who love you for what you are, not for what you have.
References:
2. The story of the girl is yet to be available online - will share the link once it is done
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A Song Written in Dec 2002...
तुम तो साथ नहीं हो फिर भी,
ये कैसा एहसास...
जाने मुझको क्यूँ लगता है,
तुम हो, मेरे पास
सब कुछ तो बिलकुल वैसा है
जैसा कि तुम छोड़ गए थे
कितनी बातें, कितने वादे,
कितने रिश्ते जोड़ गए थे
वो सारे पल हैं अब मेरे
जीवन कि हर आस
तुम तो...
मुझे अकेला छोड़ गए तुम
रंग बिरंगे सपनों के संग
पर क्यूँ भूल गए कि अब,
तुमसे हैं मेरे जीवन के रंग
राह तुम्हारी तकती हूँ मैं
पल, घंटे, दिन, मास
तुम तो...
शाम सवेरे अब तो मैं,
बस यादों में खोई रहती हूँ
नींदें रस्ता भूल गयी हैं
जागी सी सोई रहती हूँ
तुमसे मिलने की आशा में
आती जाती सांस
तुम तो...
ये कैसा एहसास...
जाने मुझको क्यूँ लगता है,
तुम हो, मेरे पास
सब कुछ तो बिलकुल वैसा है
जैसा कि तुम छोड़ गए थे
कितनी बातें, कितने वादे,
कितने रिश्ते जोड़ गए थे
वो सारे पल हैं अब मेरे
जीवन कि हर आस
तुम तो...
मुझे अकेला छोड़ गए तुम
रंग बिरंगे सपनों के संग
पर क्यूँ भूल गए कि अब,
तुमसे हैं मेरे जीवन के रंग
राह तुम्हारी तकती हूँ मैं
पल, घंटे, दिन, मास
तुम तो...
शाम सवेरे अब तो मैं,
बस यादों में खोई रहती हूँ
नींदें रस्ता भूल गयी हैं
जागी सी सोई रहती हूँ
तुमसे मिलने की आशा में
आती जाती सांस
तुम तो...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
They Love You More Than Me!
I recently came across these two sisters who were present at a friend’s place when I visited her. During the little interaction I had with them – one thing was clear. If given an opportunity, at least one of them would surely go to jail for the murder of the other sister in cold blood. Given the neck to neck competition they gave each other in throwing pleasantries at each other, both getting murdered was also not a far-fetched possibility. And I am not talking about 5 year old kids here. These are ladies in their mid-twenties, working in different organizations at responsible positions. Here is a glimpse of a small part of what I witnessed that day.
Scene 1:
(My friend, both the sisters, and I are sitting in the drawing room. Sister A is slicing apples for making custard. My friend is dusting the place. There is a party at her place tonight. Sister B and I are watching them at work.)
Sister A: So, how did you like my new dress? (asks my friend)
Friend: Oh, very pretty! From where did you buy it?
Sister B: Buy it? She STOLE it! I had selected it for myself and was trying something else when she pounced on this dress and got it packed. Bloody thief!
Friend: (too embarrassed to say another word)
Sister A: Don’t you ‘bloody thief’ me you #$#%*#@! You don’t even have basic fashion sense to be able to admire something as good as this.
Friend and I steal embarrassed glances at each other. I am thinking of a way to get the hell out of this room as I just don’t know how to react to this situation.
Sister B: How dare you point fingers at my fashion sense?’ (focuses on my friend) ‘You tell me…do I not have fashion sense? Are my dresses not usually prettier than hers?
Friend: Er…well, both of you have good…
Sister B: Don’t give me your diplomatic answer! Tell me is my fashion sense better than hers or not?
I really pity my friend at this moment, but can’t really help her as I hardly know these sisters, have met them for the first time, and with Sister A with a knife in her hand, and Sister B with that killer look in her eyes, interrupting in anybody’s favour does not seem like the safest option.
But Sister A comes to my friend’s rescue.
Sister A: Why are you sticking your finger in her throat to get the answer out in your favour? Why can’t you just look at yourself in the mirror and not be blind about it?
Sister B: I think we should get your eyes tested. And may be your brain as well. I will talk to mom about this, seriously.
Sister A: (mimicks) I will talk to mom about it! Why not? Do that! Has she ever favoured me that she will today? She is your last resort for everything! Go complain about me and weep like a 3 year old with your head on her lap.
(Exit Sister A.)
My friend and I are speechless while there is an uncomfortable pause.
Sister B: Yeah, blame it all on favouritism. Mom favours me only when I am right. I am sorry if I am right too often!
(Exit Sister B.)
Scene 2:
(I am looking at my friend, who looks as shocked as I feel I do.)
Me: Whoa, whoa whoa! What the hell was that? These are your friends?
Friend: Sort of. I mean, they are my neighbours. And they are okay when you talk to them individually. I just don’t get why they hate each other so much!
Me: You mean they are normal people when they are not around each other?
Friend: Oh yes, they are perfectly normal, sweet, and caring.
Me: Wow! And I thought there is nothing like bonding with a sister almost your own age!
Friend: Yes, that’s true. It’s just that these two don’t seem to get along. Sibling rivalry I guess.
And the term just stuck in my head. Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. Have I myself not experienced this as a kid and a teenager? Of course!
Scene 3: (flashback to 17 years ago)
(Me (10 year old) and my brother (7.5) are playing cricket with some of our friends and younger cousins, and have a fight over dividing the team. Both of us want Player A in our team, as he is strong and can run fast. It started off as a small thing but has now become a prestige issue for us, as we are the captains for our teams and have decided to get Player A in.)
Me: We have more girls in my team, so we need him in our team for this to be a fair game!
Bro: But we are all younger guys in this team, and we need him too!
Me: Okay, let’s do a toss!
Bro: No, that’s not fair! You can’t take him, our team needs him more!
(Enter Mom.)
Bro: Mummy! See, didi is not letting me keep Player A in my team – we are all so small kids in my team!
Me: Mummy…we are an almost all girls team…Player A should be in our team!
Mom: ‘Hmmm. Arey beta, he is your younger brother. Let him keep Player A, what is the big deal?’
Bro: ‘Yay!!! We got Player A.’ (his team celebrates)
My team members are standing – heads hanging low – as if they have lost Sachin Tendulkar to the competitors.
Me: This is not fair! I am not going to play this game anymore!
And I storm out of the field, tears rolling down my eyes. I don’t understand why my mom always has to favour him – always! There can be only one reason – she loves him more than me! I lock myself in a room and cry for some time. I hate my brother.
Scene 4: (flashback of 10 years ago)
(My brother (now 14.5) has a math exam tomorrow morning. And he is not prepared as usual. And I (17) am the designated teacher to help him pass. My patience normally runs very low on these days.)
Me: So, this is how you solve such problems. Clear?
Bro: Yes.
Me: Now solve question 18 – all three parts – and show me. (I open the book I am reading while he frowns at the math book.)
5 minutes later.
Me: Done?
Bro: (silence)
Me: DONE???
Bro: How do I…which formula do I use for part 2?
Me: (exasperated sigh) Didn’t I just explain it to you?
Bro: That was a different kind of problem.
Me: Understand the concept! You will not get the same type of problem in question paper. This is what happens when you don’t study for a whole year and try to mug it up just before the exam!
Bro: Listen, I don’t need your lecture. Explain it to me if you can else I will manage.
Me: Don’t you dare throw attitude at me after messing up so much with your studies.
And it goes on. Obviously the volume control from our voices has gone off completely, and my mom comes in to solve another one of our disputes. She takes stock of the situation, and pronounces the verdict.
Mom: Well, she is right. You need to focus on the studies all through the year – this can’t happen in one night. But now that we have such short time, please don’t waste it further and concentrate. Beta, teach him once more, he will understand.
Vindicated, I begin explaining the concept to him once again, with a sense of satisfaction. Tip, tip – two drops of tear fall on his notebook.
Me: What? What are you crying for?
Bro: Nothing.
Me: What nothing? What happened?
Bro: No one loves me. Everyone loves you more because you get better marks.
Me: Huh? Who told you that?
Bro: No one needs to tell me that. I can see that. Mom just came and scolded me. She also does not love me. Papa also. They love you more than me! I hate you at times because of this.
Me: Oh, really? And what about the times when they favour you even if it’s your fault? What about the cases when I get all the scolding saying you are younger than me?
And the debate goes on.
Scene 6: Today
(I have just finished a 4 hours online chat with my brother. Both of us were sharing some important developments of our lives with each other and time just flew.)
It is unbelievable how we bond today, considering the kind of love we shared in our childhood. We still have our fights, but none of us doubts how much our parents love both of us. I guess both of us have realized this over time that parents supported one or the other not because they loved someone more, but because they were trying to inculcate this bonding between us. They wanted me to understand that I as the elder sister was supposed to be more responsible and take care of my younger brother, give in to his small demands to make him feel loved. On the other hand, they also wanted him to learn from me in various ways.
I guess most people experience sibling rivalry at some point in time in their lives. I am just glad that my brother and I ended up like this rather than like the two siblings I mentioned in the beginning. Can’t imagine how life would have been if we had turned out to be like that! What say, bro?
Scene 1:
(My friend, both the sisters, and I are sitting in the drawing room. Sister A is slicing apples for making custard. My friend is dusting the place. There is a party at her place tonight. Sister B and I are watching them at work.)
Sister A: So, how did you like my new dress? (asks my friend)
Friend: Oh, very pretty! From where did you buy it?
Sister B: Buy it? She STOLE it! I had selected it for myself and was trying something else when she pounced on this dress and got it packed. Bloody thief!
Friend: (too embarrassed to say another word)
Sister A: Don’t you ‘bloody thief’ me you #$#%*#@! You don’t even have basic fashion sense to be able to admire something as good as this.
Friend and I steal embarrassed glances at each other. I am thinking of a way to get the hell out of this room as I just don’t know how to react to this situation.
Sister B: How dare you point fingers at my fashion sense?’ (focuses on my friend) ‘You tell me…do I not have fashion sense? Are my dresses not usually prettier than hers?
Friend: Er…well, both of you have good…
Sister B: Don’t give me your diplomatic answer! Tell me is my fashion sense better than hers or not?
I really pity my friend at this moment, but can’t really help her as I hardly know these sisters, have met them for the first time, and with Sister A with a knife in her hand, and Sister B with that killer look in her eyes, interrupting in anybody’s favour does not seem like the safest option.
But Sister A comes to my friend’s rescue.
Sister A: Why are you sticking your finger in her throat to get the answer out in your favour? Why can’t you just look at yourself in the mirror and not be blind about it?
Sister B: I think we should get your eyes tested. And may be your brain as well. I will talk to mom about this, seriously.
Sister A: (mimicks) I will talk to mom about it! Why not? Do that! Has she ever favoured me that she will today? She is your last resort for everything! Go complain about me and weep like a 3 year old with your head on her lap.
(Exit Sister A.)
My friend and I are speechless while there is an uncomfortable pause.
Sister B: Yeah, blame it all on favouritism. Mom favours me only when I am right. I am sorry if I am right too often!
(Exit Sister B.)
Scene 2:
(I am looking at my friend, who looks as shocked as I feel I do.)
Me: Whoa, whoa whoa! What the hell was that? These are your friends?
Friend: Sort of. I mean, they are my neighbours. And they are okay when you talk to them individually. I just don’t get why they hate each other so much!
Me: You mean they are normal people when they are not around each other?
Friend: Oh yes, they are perfectly normal, sweet, and caring.
Me: Wow! And I thought there is nothing like bonding with a sister almost your own age!
Friend: Yes, that’s true. It’s just that these two don’t seem to get along. Sibling rivalry I guess.
And the term just stuck in my head. Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. Have I myself not experienced this as a kid and a teenager? Of course!
Scene 3: (flashback to 17 years ago)
(Me (10 year old) and my brother (7.5) are playing cricket with some of our friends and younger cousins, and have a fight over dividing the team. Both of us want Player A in our team, as he is strong and can run fast. It started off as a small thing but has now become a prestige issue for us, as we are the captains for our teams and have decided to get Player A in.)
Me: We have more girls in my team, so we need him in our team for this to be a fair game!
Bro: But we are all younger guys in this team, and we need him too!
Me: Okay, let’s do a toss!
Bro: No, that’s not fair! You can’t take him, our team needs him more!
(Enter Mom.)
Bro: Mummy! See, didi is not letting me keep Player A in my team – we are all so small kids in my team!
Me: Mummy…we are an almost all girls team…Player A should be in our team!
Mom: ‘Hmmm. Arey beta, he is your younger brother. Let him keep Player A, what is the big deal?’
Bro: ‘Yay!!! We got Player A.’ (his team celebrates)
My team members are standing – heads hanging low – as if they have lost Sachin Tendulkar to the competitors.
Me: This is not fair! I am not going to play this game anymore!
And I storm out of the field, tears rolling down my eyes. I don’t understand why my mom always has to favour him – always! There can be only one reason – she loves him more than me! I lock myself in a room and cry for some time. I hate my brother.
Scene 4: (flashback of 10 years ago)
(My brother (now 14.5) has a math exam tomorrow morning. And he is not prepared as usual. And I (17) am the designated teacher to help him pass. My patience normally runs very low on these days.)
Me: So, this is how you solve such problems. Clear?
Bro: Yes.
Me: Now solve question 18 – all three parts – and show me. (I open the book I am reading while he frowns at the math book.)
5 minutes later.
Me: Done?
Bro: (silence)
Me: DONE???
Bro: How do I…which formula do I use for part 2?
Me: (exasperated sigh) Didn’t I just explain it to you?
Bro: That was a different kind of problem.
Me: Understand the concept! You will not get the same type of problem in question paper. This is what happens when you don’t study for a whole year and try to mug it up just before the exam!
Bro: Listen, I don’t need your lecture. Explain it to me if you can else I will manage.
Me: Don’t you dare throw attitude at me after messing up so much with your studies.
And it goes on. Obviously the volume control from our voices has gone off completely, and my mom comes in to solve another one of our disputes. She takes stock of the situation, and pronounces the verdict.
Mom: Well, she is right. You need to focus on the studies all through the year – this can’t happen in one night. But now that we have such short time, please don’t waste it further and concentrate. Beta, teach him once more, he will understand.
Vindicated, I begin explaining the concept to him once again, with a sense of satisfaction. Tip, tip – two drops of tear fall on his notebook.
Me: What? What are you crying for?
Bro: Nothing.
Me: What nothing? What happened?
Bro: No one loves me. Everyone loves you more because you get better marks.
Me: Huh? Who told you that?
Bro: No one needs to tell me that. I can see that. Mom just came and scolded me. She also does not love me. Papa also. They love you more than me! I hate you at times because of this.
Me: Oh, really? And what about the times when they favour you even if it’s your fault? What about the cases when I get all the scolding saying you are younger than me?
And the debate goes on.
Scene 6: Today
(I have just finished a 4 hours online chat with my brother. Both of us were sharing some important developments of our lives with each other and time just flew.)
It is unbelievable how we bond today, considering the kind of love we shared in our childhood. We still have our fights, but none of us doubts how much our parents love both of us. I guess both of us have realized this over time that parents supported one or the other not because they loved someone more, but because they were trying to inculcate this bonding between us. They wanted me to understand that I as the elder sister was supposed to be more responsible and take care of my younger brother, give in to his small demands to make him feel loved. On the other hand, they also wanted him to learn from me in various ways.
I guess most people experience sibling rivalry at some point in time in their lives. I am just glad that my brother and I ended up like this rather than like the two siblings I mentioned in the beginning. Can’t imagine how life would have been if we had turned out to be like that! What say, bro?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Magic of Mom
It was one of those days today, when even after 6-7 hours of sleep, I got up in the morning feeling I had never slept. My mind kept telling me, 'get up - you will get late for office' - and I genuinely tried. But within a minute, my body was lying back on the bed, me telling my mind, 'just a few more minutes, and i will get up...promise! After atleast 10 of such unfulfilled promises, my mind reasoned, 'Yashi...you know you have to wake up. You can't take a leave. So what is the point of delaying the inevitable! JUST GET UP AND MOVE!'
'Okay' - I sprang out of the bed, realizing that the reason was valid. I HAD to go to office, as I am planning a vacation pretty soon, and cannot afford to take a leave. So I forced myself to get up and freshen up, and took a bath with utmost effort. By the time I reached office, my head was throbbing like crazy, and I had started feeling a bit feverish.
This is not going good at all, I told my mind.
'Don't worry, once you login, you will not even know how time flies' - it consoled me.
Well, that's true on most days - the time between the beginning and the end of a usual work day just flies. But not today.
I strained my eyes to concentrate on my emails, tried smiling back at a lot of people who smiled at me - but each movement was making me feel worse.
Finally, good sense prevailed, and I called up my boss to check if I can leave early, and he agreed.
I packed my bags, and was out in the next 15 minutes.
I reached home, had dinner that my roommate helped me cook, and lied down after gulping a Crocin.
I closed my eyes, and out of nowhere, I realized how badly I was missing my mom.
I mean, I speak to her often, think of her too, but it's been quite sometime that I missed her like this.
The only image that captured my mind was, a much younger me, falling ill like this, and my mom sitting by my bedside, knowing exactly what to do when. She knew when I was ready to eat something, and would bring something almost instantaneously. She would know when I was almost fast asleep and would ask people around us to be quiet. She would know exactly when I was pretending to be asleep to avoid eating tablets, and would coax me into it. She knew when my head was hurting, and would just stroke my forehead with her palm - and it worked like the best touch therapy ever.
Today, thinking of this image, I suddenly find tears in my eyes. It was so great to be pampered with her undivided attention. Everything else would take a back seat - my dad, my brother, her work, relatives - everything. The only most important thing was me. I even remember at times pretending to be much more ill than I actually was - just to get more of this attention. She could sit hours and hours at a stretch, watching my every move, listening to my breathing, presenting whatever I needed in the split of a second. She was like a magician.
And then I grew up, and moved to a different city - alone, on my own. It felt great to be independent, to take charge of my life. It still does. But there are times like these, that make me feel no matter how much I grow up, there still is a small kid in me who would love to be with my parents - with nothing to worry about...knowing that they are there and will take care of everything.
'Okay' - I sprang out of the bed, realizing that the reason was valid. I HAD to go to office, as I am planning a vacation pretty soon, and cannot afford to take a leave. So I forced myself to get up and freshen up, and took a bath with utmost effort. By the time I reached office, my head was throbbing like crazy, and I had started feeling a bit feverish.
This is not going good at all, I told my mind.
'Don't worry, once you login, you will not even know how time flies' - it consoled me.
Well, that's true on most days - the time between the beginning and the end of a usual work day just flies. But not today.
I strained my eyes to concentrate on my emails, tried smiling back at a lot of people who smiled at me - but each movement was making me feel worse.
Finally, good sense prevailed, and I called up my boss to check if I can leave early, and he agreed.
I packed my bags, and was out in the next 15 minutes.
I reached home, had dinner that my roommate helped me cook, and lied down after gulping a Crocin.
I closed my eyes, and out of nowhere, I realized how badly I was missing my mom.
I mean, I speak to her often, think of her too, but it's been quite sometime that I missed her like this.
The only image that captured my mind was, a much younger me, falling ill like this, and my mom sitting by my bedside, knowing exactly what to do when. She knew when I was ready to eat something, and would bring something almost instantaneously. She would know when I was almost fast asleep and would ask people around us to be quiet. She would know exactly when I was pretending to be asleep to avoid eating tablets, and would coax me into it. She knew when my head was hurting, and would just stroke my forehead with her palm - and it worked like the best touch therapy ever.
Today, thinking of this image, I suddenly find tears in my eyes. It was so great to be pampered with her undivided attention. Everything else would take a back seat - my dad, my brother, her work, relatives - everything. The only most important thing was me. I even remember at times pretending to be much more ill than I actually was - just to get more of this attention. She could sit hours and hours at a stretch, watching my every move, listening to my breathing, presenting whatever I needed in the split of a second. She was like a magician.
And then I grew up, and moved to a different city - alone, on my own. It felt great to be independent, to take charge of my life. It still does. But there are times like these, that make me feel no matter how much I grow up, there still is a small kid in me who would love to be with my parents - with nothing to worry about...knowing that they are there and will take care of everything.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Writer in Me
"You write well."
"Very well written - I think writing is in your blood!"
"Have you been writing all these years? Why did you not share earlier?"
"Beautiful thoughts - expressed very nicely"
These were some of the responses I got when I started blogging. When these comments began pouring in, my first reaction was that of relief. Immense relief. Relief because I so desperately wanted people to like what I wrote, but was so unsure they would. So yes, I was extremely relieved when I did not meet harsh criticism on my first blog.
My second reaction was that of elation. Yes!!! I was better than I had thought. I was being appreciated for doing something that I loved doing. People were actually liking what I wrote! This meant a great deal to me.
And the third reaction was to face the questions that stood staring at me. WHY did I not share my writings with anyone earlier? I have always been writing. Yes, all these years. Something or the other. Diary mostly. Then poems, stories, essays. The fact is, I have always loved writing - it has been my stress-buster. My companion when everything else in life seemed to be falling apart. Always. Then why, why have I been so reluctant to share any of these writings with anyone - save a few friends with whom I have shared my writings - but that too very selectively.
I find two answers to these questions when I introspect. One - most of my writings have been extremely personal in nature. They are expressions of my feelings during the times which were very, very tough for me as an individual. They reflect the intense emotions I had gone through during those times. Some of these are things I am still not comfortable sharing with anyone. Not yet, atleast.
The second reason is - fear of failure. I could never prepare myself to jump into the waters without thinking about drowning. What will people say/think of me? Will I be exposed - my weaknesses especially - will they be out in the open - for people to judge me? Yes. So why take the risk. Why not just stay like this, in my comfort zone, and be fine. And so I did.
Why did I start this blog then - some of you might think. Valid question. Well, there is a small twist in this story. All these years - when I was busy shying away from sharing what I wrote - somewhere deep down, I had been nurturing the hope and aspiration of becoming a writer some day. Yes, a writer. Funny? Ironical? It is. And strangely, I did not even realize this irony till only recently. An experience made me think what I really wanted to do in life. And that was to follow my passion for writing. And then I thought - if I do not have the courage to share a small piece of article with anyone, it is highly stupid to even think about becoming a writer. My aspirations and the reality were so hopelessly contradictory to each other. I had to choose between the two - my dream or the status-quo. Courage or fear. Risk or comfort zone. Finally I realized - the dream was too important for me to compromise it for the sake of some fear. I was already regretting the years I had wasted not marching towards my goal. I did not want to spend more of them. And hence, Moments of Solitude came into existance.
Before I end this note - I would like to thank each one of you - who has read this blog and encouraged me to write more. Trust me, your views/feedback mean a lot to me. Thank you, for not letting the writer in me die. And I will try my best not to let you all down. I promise.
"Very well written - I think writing is in your blood!"
"Have you been writing all these years? Why did you not share earlier?"
"Beautiful thoughts - expressed very nicely"
These were some of the responses I got when I started blogging. When these comments began pouring in, my first reaction was that of relief. Immense relief. Relief because I so desperately wanted people to like what I wrote, but was so unsure they would. So yes, I was extremely relieved when I did not meet harsh criticism on my first blog.
My second reaction was that of elation. Yes!!! I was better than I had thought. I was being appreciated for doing something that I loved doing. People were actually liking what I wrote! This meant a great deal to me.
And the third reaction was to face the questions that stood staring at me. WHY did I not share my writings with anyone earlier? I have always been writing. Yes, all these years. Something or the other. Diary mostly. Then poems, stories, essays. The fact is, I have always loved writing - it has been my stress-buster. My companion when everything else in life seemed to be falling apart. Always. Then why, why have I been so reluctant to share any of these writings with anyone - save a few friends with whom I have shared my writings - but that too very selectively.
I find two answers to these questions when I introspect. One - most of my writings have been extremely personal in nature. They are expressions of my feelings during the times which were very, very tough for me as an individual. They reflect the intense emotions I had gone through during those times. Some of these are things I am still not comfortable sharing with anyone. Not yet, atleast.
The second reason is - fear of failure. I could never prepare myself to jump into the waters without thinking about drowning. What will people say/think of me? Will I be exposed - my weaknesses especially - will they be out in the open - for people to judge me? Yes. So why take the risk. Why not just stay like this, in my comfort zone, and be fine. And so I did.
Why did I start this blog then - some of you might think. Valid question. Well, there is a small twist in this story. All these years - when I was busy shying away from sharing what I wrote - somewhere deep down, I had been nurturing the hope and aspiration of becoming a writer some day. Yes, a writer. Funny? Ironical? It is. And strangely, I did not even realize this irony till only recently. An experience made me think what I really wanted to do in life. And that was to follow my passion for writing. And then I thought - if I do not have the courage to share a small piece of article with anyone, it is highly stupid to even think about becoming a writer. My aspirations and the reality were so hopelessly contradictory to each other. I had to choose between the two - my dream or the status-quo. Courage or fear. Risk or comfort zone. Finally I realized - the dream was too important for me to compromise it for the sake of some fear. I was already regretting the years I had wasted not marching towards my goal. I did not want to spend more of them. And hence, Moments of Solitude came into existance.
Before I end this note - I would like to thank each one of you - who has read this blog and encouraged me to write more. Trust me, your views/feedback mean a lot to me. Thank you, for not letting the writer in me die. And I will try my best not to let you all down. I promise.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Cycle
It has happened again. The same cycle - a news, a gap to absorb it, some reflections, the realization, the tears, and finally the memories. The only things that remain.
In the past few years - I have gone through this cycle several times. And it still does not cease to shock me each single time. It started with 'baba' - my paternal grandfather. Followed by his wife, my 'dadi'. Then it was Monty. A week after that was Jassimran. Then an uncle. A few days ago Sayak. And now my maternal grandfather - my 'nana'. All these have been cases of sudden deaths, not followed by any severe illness. All these people were hail and hearty moments before the lightening struck. Obviously they themselves won't have known that they were so close to the end - forget those around them. Okay, some of these people were somewhat old - but they were all quite active till moments before their deaths.
Today looked like a normal day - apart from the fact that there was too much work and I was in office on a Sunday. I wanted to complete some pending stuff for a customer visit that starts tomorrow. I was working on this presentation when I received a call from my brother - to tell me about the incident. The first reaction was shock and disbelief. Then the news sunk in. Nana? NANA? How...where...when? Apparently he slipped in the verandah and got hurt in his head. And before anyone could know a thing, it was all over. By the time I disconnected the call, the tears were already in full flow. I had not even spoken to him in the last few days...just postponing it to some other day. This is going to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I tried hard to get a ticket and board the next flight to Delhi - so that I could see him one last time before all we have are his photographs. But guess God had decided to punish me. I missed the flight by 10 minutes. And now here I am, thinking about him, and how I am not being able to accompany him in his last few hours in this world before he mixes with the five elements his body was made of.
There is not much difference in the way this cycle unfolds. And it always leaves me with some philosophical thoughts in my mind. What is the point of this life that we lead? Who knows what's in store in the next moment? We plan our lives years in advance, when we aren't even sure if we are going to see another new day. These thoughts are disturbing. But what is even more disturbing is that they are so short-lived. I mean I go in this phase of what-is-the-point-of-life when I experience any such incident - and after a few days, things get back to usual. The same routine, the same rat-race, the same lifestyle. Once in a while I come back to these thoughts - but for a very short span of time. Some would call it the resilience of human nature - that lets people survive the biggest adversities in life. I agree. Some would call it the stupidity of human beings - how people forget what their real destiny is and run after materialistic things. I agree to this as well. But then, what are we supposed to do? I mean, agreed that everyone is meant to die someday. But till the time a person is alive, what should he or she be doing? Should one be enjoying life to the fullest as per what one feels is important - or should one focus on things beyond one's selfish interests, and do something about humanity in general? I don't know which of these perspectives is right or wrong - I am no one to judge. All I feel is, as long as people who know someone remember him or her with fondness and love, that person has had a good life.
And from that perspective, I have no doubt that my nana had a wonderful life. I am sorry that I am not with you today nana - to wish you a final goodbye. But you will always be there with me and I know you will be blessing me like always - from wherever you are. I am surely going to miss you as hell. May your soul rest in peace.
In the past few years - I have gone through this cycle several times. And it still does not cease to shock me each single time. It started with 'baba' - my paternal grandfather. Followed by his wife, my 'dadi'. Then it was Monty. A week after that was Jassimran. Then an uncle. A few days ago Sayak. And now my maternal grandfather - my 'nana'. All these have been cases of sudden deaths, not followed by any severe illness. All these people were hail and hearty moments before the lightening struck. Obviously they themselves won't have known that they were so close to the end - forget those around them. Okay, some of these people were somewhat old - but they were all quite active till moments before their deaths.
Today looked like a normal day - apart from the fact that there was too much work and I was in office on a Sunday. I wanted to complete some pending stuff for a customer visit that starts tomorrow. I was working on this presentation when I received a call from my brother - to tell me about the incident. The first reaction was shock and disbelief. Then the news sunk in. Nana? NANA? How...where...when? Apparently he slipped in the verandah and got hurt in his head. And before anyone could know a thing, it was all over. By the time I disconnected the call, the tears were already in full flow. I had not even spoken to him in the last few days...just postponing it to some other day. This is going to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I tried hard to get a ticket and board the next flight to Delhi - so that I could see him one last time before all we have are his photographs. But guess God had decided to punish me. I missed the flight by 10 minutes. And now here I am, thinking about him, and how I am not being able to accompany him in his last few hours in this world before he mixes with the five elements his body was made of.
There is not much difference in the way this cycle unfolds. And it always leaves me with some philosophical thoughts in my mind. What is the point of this life that we lead? Who knows what's in store in the next moment? We plan our lives years in advance, when we aren't even sure if we are going to see another new day. These thoughts are disturbing. But what is even more disturbing is that they are so short-lived. I mean I go in this phase of what-is-the-point-of-life when I experience any such incident - and after a few days, things get back to usual. The same routine, the same rat-race, the same lifestyle. Once in a while I come back to these thoughts - but for a very short span of time. Some would call it the resilience of human nature - that lets people survive the biggest adversities in life. I agree. Some would call it the stupidity of human beings - how people forget what their real destiny is and run after materialistic things. I agree to this as well. But then, what are we supposed to do? I mean, agreed that everyone is meant to die someday. But till the time a person is alive, what should he or she be doing? Should one be enjoying life to the fullest as per what one feels is important - or should one focus on things beyond one's selfish interests, and do something about humanity in general? I don't know which of these perspectives is right or wrong - I am no one to judge. All I feel is, as long as people who know someone remember him or her with fondness and love, that person has had a good life.
And from that perspective, I have no doubt that my nana had a wonderful life. I am sorry that I am not with you today nana - to wish you a final goodbye. But you will always be there with me and I know you will be blessing me like always - from wherever you are. I am surely going to miss you as hell. May your soul rest in peace.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Big Girl...
Niharika still remembers the day her 4th standard results were announced. She had passed, and would go to 5th standard now. All her family members and relatives had been so happy...and they told her she was a big girl now. Ofcourse, she thought. Girls who reach Class V are big girls. They are not kids any more...like those nursery or Class I/II girls. They are the senior most in primary school. And she was happy that she was one of those big girls now, who are considered to be mature, and are treated with respect like elders. She met her friend Shruti in the evening - in their colony's park, and they sat on a swing together. And they talked about their schools, friends, results as usual. And they marvelled, "Next year, we will go in Class VI!" They pushed the ground harder to increase the speed of the swing. "And then next to next year, in Class VII!!!" The swing's speed increased even more. "And then Class VIII!!!" Whoa! That was all. That was the extreme of their imagination. Reaching Class VIII looked like such a big goal in life. Completely overwhelmed, they could not think beyond.
Cut to 8 years later. Niharika is sitting in a room full of her Class XII batchmates and teachers. There is a group of people singing an emotional farewell song on stage. There are tears in Niharika's eyes. These friends - she does not know when will she meet them after this. Will she be able to stay in touch? Oh, how badly will she miss her school days! Why does this life have to end? The laughters, punishments, homework, fun - is it really getting over? Her wandering eyes spot Kailash, and she quickly looks away. Will she ever see him again? Kailash - her biggest crush in school, the first love of her life? She hasn't even spoken to him in over 4 years now. And she does not have the courage to even go and ask him to fill her slam book so that she gets his contact details at least. Should she? It does not matter. Because she knows she can't. She is way too shy to do this. And Pankhudi? Her best friend in school? Who knows what life has in store for their friendship. Can they live without each other? Does not look possible. Oh, it is so hard. And suddenly, out of nowhere, an image captures her mind. The image of Shruti and herself speeding up the swing, thinking 'We are big girls now!' And she smiles bitterly. Ya, right. Big girls? In Class V? How stupid were we back then - not even knowing what life is all about. Now is the time when she actually feels she has become a big girl - so much more mature than she ever was. Yes, she is really a big girl now.
Cut to 3 more years later. Niharika is again sitting in a room with some of her friends. Their graduation final year results are out. And that means, it is end of college. Another ending in life. Another time to part with people she has become close to. Another time to leave the surroundings she has become so used to. But this time this is not so difficult. She has the contact numbers of all her friends. And she knows she can stay in touch with them forever. Now is the time to do something big in life. They are graduates now, with numerous dreams in their eyes. There is so much to do...so much to achieve. It is time to make all dreams come true. She is ready to take on the world. And suddenly, she again thinks of that evening on that swing with Shruti, and laughs aloud. She can't believe she was so naive. And she also thinks about her Class XII farewell. That brings a smile today. Well, she is in touch with some of her friends from school. She has not seen or spoken to Kailash since then - but that seems such a distant memory now. She has definitely grown as an individual, learnt so much in life. She feels she is so much mature now - she knows what to do with her life. She has really become a big girl now - in the true sense.
Cut to today. It's been 5 years since her graduation. She has just come back from work, and is extremely disillusioned. She has just begun to see some realities of the corporate world. The cut-throat competition. The lows people hit to achieve something they think is success. The back-stabbing. The deceits. These things have hit her hard. Her beliefs that everything around her is fair have shattered. She has seen people changing colours. People she used to admire have turned into filth she does not want to look at. In her personal life too, she has seen multiple facets of various people. She has experienced deceit from people closest to her. She has learnt not to trust easily. And for some reason - she can't stop thinking about those innocent days she has left behind. The days when it was so easy to pour her heart out to Shruti or Pankhudi - without having to think what they would do with that information. The days where games meant pure fun - and did not hurt like the games people played with each other in her current stage of life. It seems immaterial that she is a big girl now. She just wants to go back to those days of being naive and stupid. That life seems so much simpler. And as she is thinking - she realizes one more thing. At every stage of her life, she has felt she had already seen what life had to offer, and was mature enough to handle anything that comes her way. Only to be proven wrong at a later stage. And for sure, there is another stage in life yet to come, that will make her feel how immature she was when she was getting upset over these small issues in life.
She realizes, that in reality, she is never going to be a big girl - ever. She will always have more things to learn, new experiences to encounter - that will leave her with more maturity than she already had. She is surprised that it has taken her so long to understand this small truth. She was almost going to believe once again that she has become a big girl with these newly found experiences. But no, not again. The truth is, there are many more things to come in life - and she just wants to be ready to learn from them. Never again would she think of herself as a big girl.
Cut to 8 years later. Niharika is sitting in a room full of her Class XII batchmates and teachers. There is a group of people singing an emotional farewell song on stage. There are tears in Niharika's eyes. These friends - she does not know when will she meet them after this. Will she be able to stay in touch? Oh, how badly will she miss her school days! Why does this life have to end? The laughters, punishments, homework, fun - is it really getting over? Her wandering eyes spot Kailash, and she quickly looks away. Will she ever see him again? Kailash - her biggest crush in school, the first love of her life? She hasn't even spoken to him in over 4 years now. And she does not have the courage to even go and ask him to fill her slam book so that she gets his contact details at least. Should she? It does not matter. Because she knows she can't. She is way too shy to do this. And Pankhudi? Her best friend in school? Who knows what life has in store for their friendship. Can they live without each other? Does not look possible. Oh, it is so hard. And suddenly, out of nowhere, an image captures her mind. The image of Shruti and herself speeding up the swing, thinking 'We are big girls now!' And she smiles bitterly. Ya, right. Big girls? In Class V? How stupid were we back then - not even knowing what life is all about. Now is the time when she actually feels she has become a big girl - so much more mature than she ever was. Yes, she is really a big girl now.
Cut to 3 more years later. Niharika is again sitting in a room with some of her friends. Their graduation final year results are out. And that means, it is end of college. Another ending in life. Another time to part with people she has become close to. Another time to leave the surroundings she has become so used to. But this time this is not so difficult. She has the contact numbers of all her friends. And she knows she can stay in touch with them forever. Now is the time to do something big in life. They are graduates now, with numerous dreams in their eyes. There is so much to do...so much to achieve. It is time to make all dreams come true. She is ready to take on the world. And suddenly, she again thinks of that evening on that swing with Shruti, and laughs aloud. She can't believe she was so naive. And she also thinks about her Class XII farewell. That brings a smile today. Well, she is in touch with some of her friends from school. She has not seen or spoken to Kailash since then - but that seems such a distant memory now. She has definitely grown as an individual, learnt so much in life. She feels she is so much mature now - she knows what to do with her life. She has really become a big girl now - in the true sense.
Cut to today. It's been 5 years since her graduation. She has just come back from work, and is extremely disillusioned. She has just begun to see some realities of the corporate world. The cut-throat competition. The lows people hit to achieve something they think is success. The back-stabbing. The deceits. These things have hit her hard. Her beliefs that everything around her is fair have shattered. She has seen people changing colours. People she used to admire have turned into filth she does not want to look at. In her personal life too, she has seen multiple facets of various people. She has experienced deceit from people closest to her. She has learnt not to trust easily. And for some reason - she can't stop thinking about those innocent days she has left behind. The days when it was so easy to pour her heart out to Shruti or Pankhudi - without having to think what they would do with that information. The days where games meant pure fun - and did not hurt like the games people played with each other in her current stage of life. It seems immaterial that she is a big girl now. She just wants to go back to those days of being naive and stupid. That life seems so much simpler. And as she is thinking - she realizes one more thing. At every stage of her life, she has felt she had already seen what life had to offer, and was mature enough to handle anything that comes her way. Only to be proven wrong at a later stage. And for sure, there is another stage in life yet to come, that will make her feel how immature she was when she was getting upset over these small issues in life.
She realizes, that in reality, she is never going to be a big girl - ever. She will always have more things to learn, new experiences to encounter - that will leave her with more maturity than she already had. She is surprised that it has taken her so long to understand this small truth. She was almost going to believe once again that she has become a big girl with these newly found experiences. But no, not again. The truth is, there are many more things to come in life - and she just wants to be ready to learn from them. Never again would she think of herself as a big girl.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Goodbye Sayak
"NH4 or NH17? hmmm ... Doesn't really matter .... all roads lead to Goa !! Happy Holi folks ! Ciao on Tuesday ..."
This was Sayak's last post on Facebook. 26 Feb 2010, Friday, 7:24 am. And now - there will be no more posts from him. No more messages, no roaring laughters, no more talks of eating fish. He died in a road accident shortly after posting his last status message on FB.
Sayak was a batchmate from my PG days at IMI. Was he a really good friend of mine? Not exactly. But strangely, I now realize that he mattered enough for me to be writing this for him.
In retrospect - I can think of so many memories that we shared. A few group assignments in college. That trip to Jaipur, Ranthabhore, and Agra - during which I had a historical fight with him. Working with him in college's alumni committee. We had our differences and were quite vocal about them. And so there were several clashes between us. But today, I am glad that the last few memories that I have of Sayak are pleasant. The last one being my meeting with
him in Prerna's wedding.
Sayak - I still can't believe that we had met up just 15 days ago...and will never meet again. I still can't believe that we will never talk about how much weight you have lost or gained...or about the places that serve awesome fish. I still can't digest these sudden and swift ways of the universe - that change so many lives drastically - in a split second. But in this note, I just want to say that I am glad you could see that tiger in Ranthambore during our trip. You were right in saying that you will never be able to come back to see it. I am glad that we reconnected before you left this world forever. I am glad that the last time we met, we parted on a cheerful note.
I don't know which highway you took for going to Goa - but I really wish you had taken the other one. I am sure the first batch of PGDM-HR from IMI will miss you. May you rest in peace. Goodbye.
This was Sayak's last post on Facebook. 26 Feb 2010, Friday, 7:24 am. And now - there will be no more posts from him. No more messages, no roaring laughters, no more talks of eating fish. He died in a road accident shortly after posting his last status message on FB.
Sayak was a batchmate from my PG days at IMI. Was he a really good friend of mine? Not exactly. But strangely, I now realize that he mattered enough for me to be writing this for him.
In retrospect - I can think of so many memories that we shared. A few group assignments in college. That trip to Jaipur, Ranthabhore, and Agra - during which I had a historical fight with him. Working with him in college's alumni committee. We had our differences and were quite vocal about them. And so there were several clashes between us. But today, I am glad that the last few memories that I have of Sayak are pleasant. The last one being my meeting with
him in Prerna's wedding.
Sayak - I still can't believe that we had met up just 15 days ago...and will never meet again. I still can't believe that we will never talk about how much weight you have lost or gained...or about the places that serve awesome fish. I still can't digest these sudden and swift ways of the universe - that change so many lives drastically - in a split second. But in this note, I just want to say that I am glad you could see that tiger in Ranthambore during our trip. You were right in saying that you will never be able to come back to see it. I am glad that we reconnected before you left this world forever. I am glad that the last time we met, we parted on a cheerful note.
I don't know which highway you took for going to Goa - but I really wish you had taken the other one. I am sure the first batch of PGDM-HR from IMI will miss you. May you rest in peace. Goodbye.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Ghazal Written in Jul 2002
कट गया कुछ इस तरह से ज़िंदगानी का सफ़र,
साथ हम चलते रहे, पर फ़ासला बढ़ता गया।
अनकही कड़वाहटों के घूँट हम पीते रहे,
रह गए ख़ामोश तुम भी, और गिला बढ़ता गया।
जो कभी देखे थे हमने ख़्वाब, पूरे न हुए,
और उनके टूटने का सिलसिला बढ़ता गया
हाल अपना देखने को लोग तो आये मगर,
हमको तनहा छोड़ कर वो काफ़िला बढ़ता गया।
चंद लम्हों के लिए खुशियों ने मुंह मोड़ा था पर,
वो न लौटीं तो ग़मों का हौसला बढ़ता गया।
साथ हम चलते रहे, पर फ़ासला बढ़ता गया।
अनकही कड़वाहटों के घूँट हम पीते रहे,
रह गए ख़ामोश तुम भी, और गिला बढ़ता गया।
जो कभी देखे थे हमने ख़्वाब, पूरे न हुए,
और उनके टूटने का सिलसिला बढ़ता गया
हाल अपना देखने को लोग तो आये मगर,
हमको तनहा छोड़ कर वो काफ़िला बढ़ता गया।
चंद लम्हों के लिए खुशियों ने मुंह मोड़ा था पर,
वो न लौटीं तो ग़मों का हौसला बढ़ता गया।
Sunday, January 31, 2010
HRM@Home!
The atmosphere in my house was very, very tense. Preeti, the girl with whom I share my apartment, had decided to move out. Reason? The house was very far from the main road. And we had to walk a lot to reach the auto stand. And the market was also far away. So she was not very happy with the locality we were staying in.
I was shocked when I heard this decision. While both these points were valid, we knew all this even before taking up this place, which was hardly two months ago. It is not as if the distance between the main road and our place had doubled in the last two months. And the reason we had taken up this place was simple - it was a fully-furnished house, including the utensils in the kitchen, microwave, AC, beds, TV, sofa, dining table...you get it, right? And all this, at a pretty decent rent. So I could not fathom why anyone in a state of sanity would take such a decision. To be honest, I was slightly mad at her.
"Can we discuss this later? I am getting late for work!" I said this and stormed out of the house.
Hell, this was going to be tough. I did not want to shift as I knew for a fact that we would not get a fully furnished house in our budget anywhere else near our workplaces. We had tried our luck at that earlier but to no avail. That is why we had taken up this flat in the first place. And I did not want to invest in buying stuff for furnishing a rented house as I did not intend to stay in Hyderabad for too long. So to me, my priorities were clear - if we find another house this good, I am fine with shifting. Else she can go take a hike. I will find another roommate. But at the same time, I was feeling bad. I kind of liked this girl. She was a good-natured, sweet individual, very easy to get along with. And I would hate to let her go. I thought and thought and thought - and then decided - there was something wrong. The reasons were not good enough for the decision she was taking - there HAD to be something else going on. And I intended to find out.
When I came back from office that day, Preeti was at home. I initiated the topic once again. Asked what the problem was. It all began with the same too-far-from-main-road thing again, but I kept listening. And tried to come up with some solutions. I said, for distance, we can make arrangements with an auto-wallah - on monthly charges basis. For market, we can plan better and buy things over the weekend - that will save us some sudden long walks. So issues resolved, right?
"No - but those are not the only problems." said my roomie. Aha, I was making some progress for sure!
"So what else is the problem?" I probed.
"Well, you know...I get bored here. I mean - we both hardly interact with each other - we are busy in our own lives. When I had shifted with you, I had thought we would have some fun staying together - but this is hardly as per my expectations. We are like two strangers sharing a flat - it is all so formal!"
Okay - so this was the issue. Preeti was staying away from her family for the first time, and she is an extremely fun loving girl. So the reason she had moved in with me was to live life fully in a family kind of atmosphere. I, on the other hand, had been staying alone for over four years now, and being a reserved natured person, had never felt the need for more interaction. So you see, this was more of an 'engagemnt issue' rather than a 'logistics issue.' The mind of an HR manager was at work now. I had to 'retain' this person - by increasing the 'employee touch time.'
"But that is something that can be taken care of! I mean, it is not intentional on my part not to interact with you. It's just that it takes some time for me to open up with people - and we have not reached that stage yet. But honestly, if that is the real problem, I am willing to put in efforts from my side. I really don't want to let go of this place or even a roomie like you."
At this stage, she smiled her innocent smile. "Oh, you don't? I always felt you did not like me enough to talk to me. Never thought of it like this. Okay then, I am also fine to try and make this work, as to be honest, even I like this house - it has everything!!!"
So - mission accomplished. The employee was not going anywhere for the time being atleast. And if basic engagement initiatives were in place - I could retain her in the long run as well.
We have been staying in this house for over six months now - and both of us have begun to gel really well. There are no more talks of shifting from here - though we do crib about the distance from the main road at times - to each other. I had never thought I would use my HR skills in a situation like this - but guess people are the same at some emotional level. So are their basic needs. Maslow's need hierarchy, anyone?
I was shocked when I heard this decision. While both these points were valid, we knew all this even before taking up this place, which was hardly two months ago. It is not as if the distance between the main road and our place had doubled in the last two months. And the reason we had taken up this place was simple - it was a fully-furnished house, including the utensils in the kitchen, microwave, AC, beds, TV, sofa, dining table...you get it, right? And all this, at a pretty decent rent. So I could not fathom why anyone in a state of sanity would take such a decision. To be honest, I was slightly mad at her.
"Can we discuss this later? I am getting late for work!" I said this and stormed out of the house.
Hell, this was going to be tough. I did not want to shift as I knew for a fact that we would not get a fully furnished house in our budget anywhere else near our workplaces. We had tried our luck at that earlier but to no avail. That is why we had taken up this flat in the first place. And I did not want to invest in buying stuff for furnishing a rented house as I did not intend to stay in Hyderabad for too long. So to me, my priorities were clear - if we find another house this good, I am fine with shifting. Else she can go take a hike. I will find another roommate. But at the same time, I was feeling bad. I kind of liked this girl. She was a good-natured, sweet individual, very easy to get along with. And I would hate to let her go. I thought and thought and thought - and then decided - there was something wrong. The reasons were not good enough for the decision she was taking - there HAD to be something else going on. And I intended to find out.
When I came back from office that day, Preeti was at home. I initiated the topic once again. Asked what the problem was. It all began with the same too-far-from-main-road thing again, but I kept listening. And tried to come up with some solutions. I said, for distance, we can make arrangements with an auto-wallah - on monthly charges basis. For market, we can plan better and buy things over the weekend - that will save us some sudden long walks. So issues resolved, right?
"No - but those are not the only problems." said my roomie. Aha, I was making some progress for sure!
"So what else is the problem?" I probed.
"Well, you know...I get bored here. I mean - we both hardly interact with each other - we are busy in our own lives. When I had shifted with you, I had thought we would have some fun staying together - but this is hardly as per my expectations. We are like two strangers sharing a flat - it is all so formal!"
Okay - so this was the issue. Preeti was staying away from her family for the first time, and she is an extremely fun loving girl. So the reason she had moved in with me was to live life fully in a family kind of atmosphere. I, on the other hand, had been staying alone for over four years now, and being a reserved natured person, had never felt the need for more interaction. So you see, this was more of an 'engagemnt issue' rather than a 'logistics issue.' The mind of an HR manager was at work now. I had to 'retain' this person - by increasing the 'employee touch time.'
"But that is something that can be taken care of! I mean, it is not intentional on my part not to interact with you. It's just that it takes some time for me to open up with people - and we have not reached that stage yet. But honestly, if that is the real problem, I am willing to put in efforts from my side. I really don't want to let go of this place or even a roomie like you."
At this stage, she smiled her innocent smile. "Oh, you don't? I always felt you did not like me enough to talk to me. Never thought of it like this. Okay then, I am also fine to try and make this work, as to be honest, even I like this house - it has everything!!!"
So - mission accomplished. The employee was not going anywhere for the time being atleast. And if basic engagement initiatives were in place - I could retain her in the long run as well.
We have been staying in this house for over six months now - and both of us have begun to gel really well. There are no more talks of shifting from here - though we do crib about the distance from the main road at times - to each other. I had never thought I would use my HR skills in a situation like this - but guess people are the same at some emotional level. So are their basic needs. Maslow's need hierarchy, anyone?
Monday, January 25, 2010
ज़िन्दगी
ज़िन्दगी का क्या भरोसा, साथ कब ये छोड़ दे,
मौत के आग़ोश में, कब, क्यूँ, कहाँ दम तोड़ दे।
है बहुत कमज़ोर इन्सान, उसके बस में ये नहीं,
चंद सांसें भी किसी की ज़िन्दगी में जोड़ दे।
कोशिशें तो कीं बहुत, पर जान न पाया कोई
कौन सा पल, ज़िन्दगी का रुख, किधर को मोड़ दे।
हाथ की रेखाओं को, कोई बदल सकता नहीं,
किस में है दम, जो खुदा के फैसले को होड़ दे?
है यही बस में, कि बांटो मुस्कुराहट हर जगह,
जाने से पहले, तू अपने कुछ निशाँ तो छोड़ दे...
मौत के आग़ोश में, कब, क्यूँ, कहाँ दम तोड़ दे।
है बहुत कमज़ोर इन्सान, उसके बस में ये नहीं,
चंद सांसें भी किसी की ज़िन्दगी में जोड़ दे।
कोशिशें तो कीं बहुत, पर जान न पाया कोई
कौन सा पल, ज़िन्दगी का रुख, किधर को मोड़ दे।
हाथ की रेखाओं को, कोई बदल सकता नहीं,
किस में है दम, जो खुदा के फैसले को होड़ दे?
है यही बस में, कि बांटो मुस्कुराहट हर जगह,
जाने से पहले, तू अपने कुछ निशाँ तो छोड़ दे...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
And I Thought I Understood Empathy
"Define empathy," said the trainer in one of the recent trainings I was attending. The topic was 'Listening with emapthy.'
"Putting yourself in the other person's shoes" - pat came the reply from us participants - all matured, learned individuals who obviously knew the meaning of this simple word used in everyday lives.
"Excellent. So we all know what empathy is, right? So you, young man," - he pointed towards a participant - "please come here and put yourself in my shoes!"
"Huh? No, I am..." - the poor guy looked like someone had requested him to be a suicide bomber.
"No, please. I request you to come here and put yourself in my shoes." - the trainer had already taken off his shoes.
Not left with too much of a choice, the victim rose from his seat and walked towards the trainer. All eyes were on him - curious as to what is going on. So mister suicide bomber started taking off his own shoes so that he can put himself in the trainer's shoes - literally.
"So guys - what do you see he is doing?" the trainer threw a question at us.
"Taking off his shoes..." - we stated the obvious once again.
"Exactly. And that, dear friends, is empathy!" - the trainer smiled. "Take off your own shoes before you put yourself in someone else's shoes."
And that's when it all dawned upon me. To put myself in someone else's shoes effectively, I would first need to take off my own shoes. How many times do I do that? How many times do I keep MY shoes aside when I listen to people? My prejudices, judgements, perceptions - don't I have all that baggage with me when I talk to someone - more often than not? Yes, I do.
I could remember multiple conversations I had had with various people at different points in time - where I had already decided what the person wanted or was going to say - even before listening to him or her. So many instances where I had already arrived at the outcome of a discussion even before getting into it. And then I wondered - would things have taken a different course had I shown some empathy in these situations? Is it possible that things that did not work out would have been fine if I had just listened to the other person with a neutral state of mind? May be. May be I had not been able to solve some of those problems just because I was not emapthetic enough to listen and find out the root cause of the issue.
It's interesting how a new perspective to such simple things in life gives them a whole new meaning. I had always thought that I knew what empathy means. Guess I am beginning to understand it only now.
"Putting yourself in the other person's shoes" - pat came the reply from us participants - all matured, learned individuals who obviously knew the meaning of this simple word used in everyday lives.
"Excellent. So we all know what empathy is, right? So you, young man," - he pointed towards a participant - "please come here and put yourself in my shoes!"
"Huh? No, I am..." - the poor guy looked like someone had requested him to be a suicide bomber.
"No, please. I request you to come here and put yourself in my shoes." - the trainer had already taken off his shoes.
Not left with too much of a choice, the victim rose from his seat and walked towards the trainer. All eyes were on him - curious as to what is going on. So mister suicide bomber started taking off his own shoes so that he can put himself in the trainer's shoes - literally.
"So guys - what do you see he is doing?" the trainer threw a question at us.
"Taking off his shoes..." - we stated the obvious once again.
"Exactly. And that, dear friends, is empathy!" - the trainer smiled. "Take off your own shoes before you put yourself in someone else's shoes."
And that's when it all dawned upon me. To put myself in someone else's shoes effectively, I would first need to take off my own shoes. How many times do I do that? How many times do I keep MY shoes aside when I listen to people? My prejudices, judgements, perceptions - don't I have all that baggage with me when I talk to someone - more often than not? Yes, I do.
I could remember multiple conversations I had had with various people at different points in time - where I had already decided what the person wanted or was going to say - even before listening to him or her. So many instances where I had already arrived at the outcome of a discussion even before getting into it. And then I wondered - would things have taken a different course had I shown some empathy in these situations? Is it possible that things that did not work out would have been fine if I had just listened to the other person with a neutral state of mind? May be. May be I had not been able to solve some of those problems just because I was not emapthetic enough to listen and find out the root cause of the issue.
It's interesting how a new perspective to such simple things in life gives them a whole new meaning. I had always thought that I knew what empathy means. Guess I am beginning to understand it only now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ageing Woes
"Hi...I am Sakshu...please add me on orkut!"
I read the message again. Okay, so this indeed was a friend request from Sakshu - my cousin brother. He is on orkut? How old is he...6? No - older I think. Which year was he born in? Ummm - 1999 I think. Well, that means he is 11 years old. Eleven? Oh God! Where did all these years fly?
Suddenly, I started feeling so old.
And this is a phenomenon I am noticing more frequently in 2010. Yeah right, with the new decade and everything. I remember having this conversation with a colleague in office yesterday. She had just come back after interviewing a few candidates and was in an extremely foul mood. What happened, did you ask? Well - apparently most of the candidates that came for an interview were 1988-89 born. So what? Those were the years of her life she could so clearly remember - she was a teenager in those years. And kids who were born at that time were here, ready to take up jobs. How would she be feeling about her age? Ouch.
Okay - so we all grow older with each passing year - what exactly is the big deal? I mean, isn't it a universal fact - and doesn't it happen to everyone? It does. And we all know that very well. But talking from my newly acquired experience...it still hurts. I know that growing old means you are more experienced, more wise (really?) etc. but just to think of the fact that the years of being young are passing by makes my heart to ache. Now I can somewhat relate to the favourite topic of the generations elder to mine - 'In our days...'
It feels so nostalgic to think about my school and college days - and it is such a pleasure sharing and reliving those memories. No wonder our parents and grandparents love to talk about how things were in 'their' days - how 1 paisa meant so much; how there were no telephones, no internet; how beautiful it was to write and receive letters, and so on. Won't we want to share the days of our childhood and youth with the next generation? I sure will!
Actually, that makes me think - I am still so young as compared to so many people. There is so much of ageing that is yet to happen. There is still so much time to do what I want to do. I can still use this time to create memories that I can cherish forever and share with my grandchildren one day!
And - that makes me feel better. Honestly, I started writing this piece in a state of shock and gloom, but am extremely happy as I end this note. Well, there is so much more to do with my life...I better make the most of time! Happy ageing, people!
I read the message again. Okay, so this indeed was a friend request from Sakshu - my cousin brother. He is on orkut? How old is he...6? No - older I think. Which year was he born in? Ummm - 1999 I think. Well, that means he is 11 years old. Eleven? Oh God! Where did all these years fly?
Suddenly, I started feeling so old.
And this is a phenomenon I am noticing more frequently in 2010. Yeah right, with the new decade and everything. I remember having this conversation with a colleague in office yesterday. She had just come back after interviewing a few candidates and was in an extremely foul mood. What happened, did you ask? Well - apparently most of the candidates that came for an interview were 1988-89 born. So what? Those were the years of her life she could so clearly remember - she was a teenager in those years. And kids who were born at that time were here, ready to take up jobs. How would she be feeling about her age? Ouch.
Okay - so we all grow older with each passing year - what exactly is the big deal? I mean, isn't it a universal fact - and doesn't it happen to everyone? It does. And we all know that very well. But talking from my newly acquired experience...it still hurts. I know that growing old means you are more experienced, more wise (really?) etc. but just to think of the fact that the years of being young are passing by makes my heart to ache. Now I can somewhat relate to the favourite topic of the generations elder to mine - 'In our days...'
It feels so nostalgic to think about my school and college days - and it is such a pleasure sharing and reliving those memories. No wonder our parents and grandparents love to talk about how things were in 'their' days - how 1 paisa meant so much; how there were no telephones, no internet; how beautiful it was to write and receive letters, and so on. Won't we want to share the days of our childhood and youth with the next generation? I sure will!
Actually, that makes me think - I am still so young as compared to so many people. There is so much of ageing that is yet to happen. There is still so much time to do what I want to do. I can still use this time to create memories that I can cherish forever and share with my grandchildren one day!
And - that makes me feel better. Honestly, I started writing this piece in a state of shock and gloom, but am extremely happy as I end this note. Well, there is so much more to do with my life...I better make the most of time! Happy ageing, people!
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