The atmosphere in my house was very, very tense. Preeti, the girl with whom I share my apartment, had decided to move out. Reason? The house was very far from the main road. And we had to walk a lot to reach the auto stand. And the market was also far away. So she was not very happy with the locality we were staying in.
I was shocked when I heard this decision. While both these points were valid, we knew all this even before taking up this place, which was hardly two months ago. It is not as if the distance between the main road and our place had doubled in the last two months. And the reason we had taken up this place was simple - it was a fully-furnished house, including the utensils in the kitchen, microwave, AC, beds, TV, sofa, dining table...you get it, right? And all this, at a pretty decent rent. So I could not fathom why anyone in a state of sanity would take such a decision. To be honest, I was slightly mad at her.
"Can we discuss this later? I am getting late for work!" I said this and stormed out of the house.
Hell, this was going to be tough. I did not want to shift as I knew for a fact that we would not get a fully furnished house in our budget anywhere else near our workplaces. We had tried our luck at that earlier but to no avail. That is why we had taken up this flat in the first place. And I did not want to invest in buying stuff for furnishing a rented house as I did not intend to stay in Hyderabad for too long. So to me, my priorities were clear - if we find another house this good, I am fine with shifting. Else she can go take a hike. I will find another roommate. But at the same time, I was feeling bad. I kind of liked this girl. She was a good-natured, sweet individual, very easy to get along with. And I would hate to let her go. I thought and thought and thought - and then decided - there was something wrong. The reasons were not good enough for the decision she was taking - there HAD to be something else going on. And I intended to find out.
When I came back from office that day, Preeti was at home. I initiated the topic once again. Asked what the problem was. It all began with the same too-far-from-main-road thing again, but I kept listening. And tried to come up with some solutions. I said, for distance, we can make arrangements with an auto-wallah - on monthly charges basis. For market, we can plan better and buy things over the weekend - that will save us some sudden long walks. So issues resolved, right?
"No - but those are not the only problems." said my roomie. Aha, I was making some progress for sure!
"So what else is the problem?" I probed.
"Well, you know...I get bored here. I mean - we both hardly interact with each other - we are busy in our own lives. When I had shifted with you, I had thought we would have some fun staying together - but this is hardly as per my expectations. We are like two strangers sharing a flat - it is all so formal!"
Okay - so this was the issue. Preeti was staying away from her family for the first time, and she is an extremely fun loving girl. So the reason she had moved in with me was to live life fully in a family kind of atmosphere. I, on the other hand, had been staying alone for over four years now, and being a reserved natured person, had never felt the need for more interaction. So you see, this was more of an 'engagemnt issue' rather than a 'logistics issue.' The mind of an HR manager was at work now. I had to 'retain' this person - by increasing the 'employee touch time.'
"But that is something that can be taken care of! I mean, it is not intentional on my part not to interact with you. It's just that it takes some time for me to open up with people - and we have not reached that stage yet. But honestly, if that is the real problem, I am willing to put in efforts from my side. I really don't want to let go of this place or even a roomie like you."
At this stage, she smiled her innocent smile. "Oh, you don't? I always felt you did not like me enough to talk to me. Never thought of it like this. Okay then, I am also fine to try and make this work, as to be honest, even I like this house - it has everything!!!"
So - mission accomplished. The employee was not going anywhere for the time being atleast. And if basic engagement initiatives were in place - I could retain her in the long run as well.
We have been staying in this house for over six months now - and both of us have begun to gel really well. There are no more talks of shifting from here - though we do crib about the distance from the main road at times - to each other. I had never thought I would use my HR skills in a situation like this - but guess people are the same at some emotional level. So are their basic needs. Maslow's need hierarchy, anyone?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
ज़िन्दगी
ज़िन्दगी का क्या भरोसा, साथ कब ये छोड़ दे,
मौत के आग़ोश में, कब, क्यूँ, कहाँ दम तोड़ दे।
है बहुत कमज़ोर इन्सान, उसके बस में ये नहीं,
चंद सांसें भी किसी की ज़िन्दगी में जोड़ दे।
कोशिशें तो कीं बहुत, पर जान न पाया कोई
कौन सा पल, ज़िन्दगी का रुख, किधर को मोड़ दे।
हाथ की रेखाओं को, कोई बदल सकता नहीं,
किस में है दम, जो खुदा के फैसले को होड़ दे?
है यही बस में, कि बांटो मुस्कुराहट हर जगह,
जाने से पहले, तू अपने कुछ निशाँ तो छोड़ दे...
मौत के आग़ोश में, कब, क्यूँ, कहाँ दम तोड़ दे।
है बहुत कमज़ोर इन्सान, उसके बस में ये नहीं,
चंद सांसें भी किसी की ज़िन्दगी में जोड़ दे।
कोशिशें तो कीं बहुत, पर जान न पाया कोई
कौन सा पल, ज़िन्दगी का रुख, किधर को मोड़ दे।
हाथ की रेखाओं को, कोई बदल सकता नहीं,
किस में है दम, जो खुदा के फैसले को होड़ दे?
है यही बस में, कि बांटो मुस्कुराहट हर जगह,
जाने से पहले, तू अपने कुछ निशाँ तो छोड़ दे...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
And I Thought I Understood Empathy
"Define empathy," said the trainer in one of the recent trainings I was attending. The topic was 'Listening with emapthy.'
"Putting yourself in the other person's shoes" - pat came the reply from us participants - all matured, learned individuals who obviously knew the meaning of this simple word used in everyday lives.
"Excellent. So we all know what empathy is, right? So you, young man," - he pointed towards a participant - "please come here and put yourself in my shoes!"
"Huh? No, I am..." - the poor guy looked like someone had requested him to be a suicide bomber.
"No, please. I request you to come here and put yourself in my shoes." - the trainer had already taken off his shoes.
Not left with too much of a choice, the victim rose from his seat and walked towards the trainer. All eyes were on him - curious as to what is going on. So mister suicide bomber started taking off his own shoes so that he can put himself in the trainer's shoes - literally.
"So guys - what do you see he is doing?" the trainer threw a question at us.
"Taking off his shoes..." - we stated the obvious once again.
"Exactly. And that, dear friends, is empathy!" - the trainer smiled. "Take off your own shoes before you put yourself in someone else's shoes."
And that's when it all dawned upon me. To put myself in someone else's shoes effectively, I would first need to take off my own shoes. How many times do I do that? How many times do I keep MY shoes aside when I listen to people? My prejudices, judgements, perceptions - don't I have all that baggage with me when I talk to someone - more often than not? Yes, I do.
I could remember multiple conversations I had had with various people at different points in time - where I had already decided what the person wanted or was going to say - even before listening to him or her. So many instances where I had already arrived at the outcome of a discussion even before getting into it. And then I wondered - would things have taken a different course had I shown some empathy in these situations? Is it possible that things that did not work out would have been fine if I had just listened to the other person with a neutral state of mind? May be. May be I had not been able to solve some of those problems just because I was not emapthetic enough to listen and find out the root cause of the issue.
It's interesting how a new perspective to such simple things in life gives them a whole new meaning. I had always thought that I knew what empathy means. Guess I am beginning to understand it only now.
"Putting yourself in the other person's shoes" - pat came the reply from us participants - all matured, learned individuals who obviously knew the meaning of this simple word used in everyday lives.
"Excellent. So we all know what empathy is, right? So you, young man," - he pointed towards a participant - "please come here and put yourself in my shoes!"
"Huh? No, I am..." - the poor guy looked like someone had requested him to be a suicide bomber.
"No, please. I request you to come here and put yourself in my shoes." - the trainer had already taken off his shoes.
Not left with too much of a choice, the victim rose from his seat and walked towards the trainer. All eyes were on him - curious as to what is going on. So mister suicide bomber started taking off his own shoes so that he can put himself in the trainer's shoes - literally.
"So guys - what do you see he is doing?" the trainer threw a question at us.
"Taking off his shoes..." - we stated the obvious once again.
"Exactly. And that, dear friends, is empathy!" - the trainer smiled. "Take off your own shoes before you put yourself in someone else's shoes."
And that's when it all dawned upon me. To put myself in someone else's shoes effectively, I would first need to take off my own shoes. How many times do I do that? How many times do I keep MY shoes aside when I listen to people? My prejudices, judgements, perceptions - don't I have all that baggage with me when I talk to someone - more often than not? Yes, I do.
I could remember multiple conversations I had had with various people at different points in time - where I had already decided what the person wanted or was going to say - even before listening to him or her. So many instances where I had already arrived at the outcome of a discussion even before getting into it. And then I wondered - would things have taken a different course had I shown some empathy in these situations? Is it possible that things that did not work out would have been fine if I had just listened to the other person with a neutral state of mind? May be. May be I had not been able to solve some of those problems just because I was not emapthetic enough to listen and find out the root cause of the issue.
It's interesting how a new perspective to such simple things in life gives them a whole new meaning. I had always thought that I knew what empathy means. Guess I am beginning to understand it only now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ageing Woes
"Hi...I am Sakshu...please add me on orkut!"
I read the message again. Okay, so this indeed was a friend request from Sakshu - my cousin brother. He is on orkut? How old is he...6? No - older I think. Which year was he born in? Ummm - 1999 I think. Well, that means he is 11 years old. Eleven? Oh God! Where did all these years fly?
Suddenly, I started feeling so old.
And this is a phenomenon I am noticing more frequently in 2010. Yeah right, with the new decade and everything. I remember having this conversation with a colleague in office yesterday. She had just come back after interviewing a few candidates and was in an extremely foul mood. What happened, did you ask? Well - apparently most of the candidates that came for an interview were 1988-89 born. So what? Those were the years of her life she could so clearly remember - she was a teenager in those years. And kids who were born at that time were here, ready to take up jobs. How would she be feeling about her age? Ouch.
Okay - so we all grow older with each passing year - what exactly is the big deal? I mean, isn't it a universal fact - and doesn't it happen to everyone? It does. And we all know that very well. But talking from my newly acquired experience...it still hurts. I know that growing old means you are more experienced, more wise (really?) etc. but just to think of the fact that the years of being young are passing by makes my heart to ache. Now I can somewhat relate to the favourite topic of the generations elder to mine - 'In our days...'
It feels so nostalgic to think about my school and college days - and it is such a pleasure sharing and reliving those memories. No wonder our parents and grandparents love to talk about how things were in 'their' days - how 1 paisa meant so much; how there were no telephones, no internet; how beautiful it was to write and receive letters, and so on. Won't we want to share the days of our childhood and youth with the next generation? I sure will!
Actually, that makes me think - I am still so young as compared to so many people. There is so much of ageing that is yet to happen. There is still so much time to do what I want to do. I can still use this time to create memories that I can cherish forever and share with my grandchildren one day!
And - that makes me feel better. Honestly, I started writing this piece in a state of shock and gloom, but am extremely happy as I end this note. Well, there is so much more to do with my life...I better make the most of time! Happy ageing, people!
I read the message again. Okay, so this indeed was a friend request from Sakshu - my cousin brother. He is on orkut? How old is he...6? No - older I think. Which year was he born in? Ummm - 1999 I think. Well, that means he is 11 years old. Eleven? Oh God! Where did all these years fly?
Suddenly, I started feeling so old.
And this is a phenomenon I am noticing more frequently in 2010. Yeah right, with the new decade and everything. I remember having this conversation with a colleague in office yesterday. She had just come back after interviewing a few candidates and was in an extremely foul mood. What happened, did you ask? Well - apparently most of the candidates that came for an interview were 1988-89 born. So what? Those were the years of her life she could so clearly remember - she was a teenager in those years. And kids who were born at that time were here, ready to take up jobs. How would she be feeling about her age? Ouch.
Okay - so we all grow older with each passing year - what exactly is the big deal? I mean, isn't it a universal fact - and doesn't it happen to everyone? It does. And we all know that very well. But talking from my newly acquired experience...it still hurts. I know that growing old means you are more experienced, more wise (really?) etc. but just to think of the fact that the years of being young are passing by makes my heart to ache. Now I can somewhat relate to the favourite topic of the generations elder to mine - 'In our days...'
It feels so nostalgic to think about my school and college days - and it is such a pleasure sharing and reliving those memories. No wonder our parents and grandparents love to talk about how things were in 'their' days - how 1 paisa meant so much; how there were no telephones, no internet; how beautiful it was to write and receive letters, and so on. Won't we want to share the days of our childhood and youth with the next generation? I sure will!
Actually, that makes me think - I am still so young as compared to so many people. There is so much of ageing that is yet to happen. There is still so much time to do what I want to do. I can still use this time to create memories that I can cherish forever and share with my grandchildren one day!
And - that makes me feel better. Honestly, I started writing this piece in a state of shock and gloom, but am extremely happy as I end this note. Well, there is so much more to do with my life...I better make the most of time! Happy ageing, people!
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