Finding the One

 

When I decided that it was time for me to get married, I was faced with one small problem. I did not have someone to get married to. So, the path that I had to take was one of arranged marriage, something which is fairly common in India. The process began when I was twenty six years old, and went on for three years. Eventually, I did find someone I was delighted to get married to (and so was he,) but those three years preceding this meeting were not easy. From the beginning, I was extremely clear - to the point of being stubborn - that I would not get married till I found “the one” - someone whom I would love to grow old with. And none of the factors such as my rapidly approaching thirty years of age, or society's one hundred questions to be shot at my parents and me, were going to deter me from keeping my resolve. So I spent three years talking to and meeting men through various websites, newspaper ads, and relatives. Sometimes, I did not feel any of the people I was meeting was “the one” for me, and sometimes they felt the same about me. Despite terrible heartbreaks, loneliness, and suffering, I refused to settle. And finally, the efforts paid off. In retrospect, I know that each person I met in my quest to find my life partner, taught me something about myself, or life, and helped me grow as a person. Every single one of them. And if not for them, I would never have been ready to meet my husband.

 

 

The reason I share this with you today is because it seems that I will have to do the same on the professional front, as per the Live OffYour Passion course. After spending six weeks in the course, I have discovered the various interests of mine that can be looked at as possible career options, and now it is time to choose. The course tells me that the only way I will get to “the one” career that may give me life long joy, is by trying out all of them, one by one. There are guidelines and relatively quick ways to eliminate what does not work early on, but I will have to try them out nevertheless. Just like I had to meet all those men to know what works and what does not. Fortunately, there is one difference. The stakes here are lower. Unlike marriage, the commitment to a career need not be forever, and it may be easier to move on.

 

Interestingly, a few months back, I read something on these lines in a wonderful book called How Will You Measure Your Life. The author of the book insists that one doesn't have to have everything figured out in the beginning of one's career, unlike what many people would have us believe. (This book has three parts – one related to career, second related to personal life, and the third part is about staying out of jail (seriously,) and I highly recommend it to anyone who is looking for some perspective on how to live a meaningful life.) Coming back to the point on career, the author gives his own example while talking about finding fulfilment in one's work. He shares how his original dream of becoming the editor of the Wall Street Journal is still unfulfilled at age sixty, but that has not come in the way of his finding immense fulfilment in his career by experimenting with various professions, and landing up in academics which he absolutely adores.

 

In search for a suitable career (or a suitable life-partner), one may have notions of whether or not something is meant for one, but it is tough to know for sure without actually trying it out. And also, these notions are likely to evolve with time and experience.

 

I know I have notions about what I want to accomplish in life, and I also realize that these notions of mine were very different ten-fifteen years ago. After being unable to get through any of the engineering colleges after school, I was devastated. My life had seemed all set for eternal failure. But today, I can not thank God enough for not letting me get into a field I had absolutely no interest or aptitude for. I was trying to do it only because all my friends were doing it, and that is what the society expected me to do. After this so called failure, I decided to pursue a course and career in Computer Science, only to realize that while I liked it and was good at it, I was not passionate about it. Which is when I decided to study Psychology instead, a subject that had always fascinated me. During the three years of studying Psychology, I realized that I absolutely LOVED the subject, and thoroughly enjoyed it. Studying Human Resource Management seemed like a logical next step, and that's what I did. I enjoyed the course, and the job that I took after that, only to realize after six years of working that I was getting bored. Not bored of the subject as such, but bored of the corporate sector. And so I quit the job. And now, here I am, trying to figure out what I want to do next. I have to pick up one of my passions and understand, as quickly as possible, whether it is something that actually fires me up, or is just an interest that should be pursued on the side. Then, I would have to try the next item on the list.

 

To be honest, it is a little scary, and would require investment of time and energy. But I think that there is no other way to find out. Just as there was no other way to meet my husband than by meeting other people. And therefore, I have decided to follow what Steve Jobs said in this famous talk: “If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.”        

Staring at the Sky

First of all, here's the fortnightly update on my goals:

 

1. The course: Going well, it is turning out to be an amazing experience, and I am learning new things about myself on a regular basis

2. The book: On track – I have completed almost 24000 words already (in 13 days, as a part of NaNoWriMo 2014) – I had not written so many words in years together!

3. The exercise routine – On track – have not missed even a day in the last three weeks, and I am quite proud of this

 

In summary, after a bit of a setback, I have regained momentum, and hope to keep it alive.

 

Now, for today's post, I want to talk about a recent experience, which has had quite an impact on me. As a part of the Live Your Legend course, I was required to go out in the nature, and spend some time alone, with no distractions. Anything from going to a beach to taking a walk in a forest to staring at the sky was allowed. I had to go and stare at a beautiful scene for an hour or so, and keep asking myself what my purpose in life was. And I was not expected to get any answers; it was just a way to clear up some space in my head, so that new thoughts and ideas could emerge in due course.

 

For me, the most easily accessible option was to lie down and stare at the sky. I was extremely excited about this exercise, and was looking forward to it. And then, just as I was planning to go do this, I realized that this meant I would have to do nothing for that one hour. No reading, no writing, no internet, no phone, no watch – nothing. It was as if the implications of doing this had just hit me with full force, and all I could do for a while was freak out. What if I fall asleep? How will I know when the hour is over, if I don't have a watch? What if I need to make an emergency call? What will I do staring at the sky for an hour? I found this whole concept extremely unsettling.

 

Which is when I remembered the numerous articles and blog posts I had read about the art of doing nothing, of just being, of just enjoying time without any distractions. Now, if I had a beach near by, it would have been much easier. I could have spent hours at a stretch looking at the waves, given my fascination for the sea. But staring at the sky? And that too on a clear, cloudless day? Wasn't it going to be too empty to stimulate any thoughts?

 

With some effort, I calmed myself down. I had promised myself to take this course sincerely and honestly. And if it required me to do such a thing, then I had to do it. As simple as that. So I messaged my husband, who was at work, that I was going to stare at the sky for an hour (much to his puzzlement, I imagine) and would not be available on phone. Then, I went out, found a nice place in the sun, and lied down. It took me a while to finalize the angle with which I could see the sky best. A lot of views were interrupted by some trees. I wanted a view of the vastness of the sky, so I adjusted my posture multiple times, eventually finding an ideal way to lie down. And then I just stared.

 

 

 

The vast, clear, blue, beautiful sky stretched above me in all its glory. It actually looked like a sea without waves. And soon enough, I got lost in my thoughts. I wondered what my purpose in life was. I thought about the magnitude of this universe and the insignificance of my little self in it. I saw a couple of aeroplanes flying, and wondered where they were headed. I imagined sitting in one of the aeroplanes, and looking down at the clouds. And several times, I just thought how breathtakingly beautiful the sky looked. And how silly I was being getting scared of this activity. It seemed like the most relaxed, natural way to spend some free time. An hour? I could have done it for much longer.

 

As time passed, various thoughts came and went. I even remember becoming emotional at one point and felt like crying for some reason. And then, a thought floated in my head. I felt it was quite profound. Okay, it was relatively profound, as compared to some silly ones that had been frequenting my mind during this activity. It gradually developed into an idea, and I had this sudden urge to note it down. I was not carrying a note book, of course. So I came back, opened my laptop and typed away. Here is what I wrote:

 

“I believe, that life is beautiful. But like anything else that is beautiful, the beauty of life also lies in the eyes of the beholder. If you choose to see the beauty, you will see it. If you choose to see the imperfections, you will see them too. I choose to see the beauty in life. With all its challenges, sorrows, and problems, it teaches us every moment. If you relish the learning, and decide to grow as a person, you will find peace and contentment. If you prefer to live in a vicious cycle of self-pity and blaming life and others for all your unhappiness, that is what will continue. The choice is yours.”

 

I am new at this staring-at-the-sky activity, but I did like the clarity with which this idea presented itself in my mind, under the sky, while doing nothing. So now, I have decided to experiment a little more with this process, and do this exercise more often. I will spend sometime staring at the sky every other day, and let my thoughts flow – free style. Even if I don't have a Eureka! moment, it will be time well spent in relaxation.

The WHY

Ever since I saw this Ted talk by Simon Sinek on the power of why, I have been pondering over these questions: What is it that drives me? Why do I do what I do? What is the force that has made me live my life the way I have lived it so far? In short, what is my WHY?

I gave this a lot of thought, but did not reach a satisfactory conclusion. It agonized me to realize that after spending so much time introspecting, I was unable to answer such a basic question about myself. Initially, I thought that I was driven by a need for people to like me, but soon realized that this couldn't be my why. It's a part of my nature, perhaps like many of us, but not the driving force for all that I have done in my life. If it was, it would have been difficult for me to rebel in ways that I have done. It would have been impossible for me to make some tough decisions that I have made, knowing fully well that some people will hate me for them. So then, what was behind those decisions?

During a discussion with a friend, an interesting way to look at this came up. She asked me what I valued the most in life. No matter the time or place or stage in life, what was the one thing that I was looking for? And to this, I had an answer. Without a shadow of doubt, I knew that I have always valued peace more than anything else. By peace, I mean the mental state which is free of negativity, and brimming with positive emotions. There were different means through which I tried to attain it at different points in time, but a constant state of peace is what I have sought all my life. “So then,” she said, “may be that's your why.”

This thought has kept echoing in my mind since then. I still feel that the discovery is not complete yet, and greater clarity will come with time, but this is a start. Peace is definitely something that my quest in life has been about. For the most part, I have struggled with the lack of it. Resentment, unhappiness, jealousy, suffocation, anger, loss, fear, doubt, anxiety – I have experienced all the emotions that can drive peace away. And I still do. But in the last couple of years, I have learnt of ways to deal with these emotions better, and let them go. By doing this, I can now guide myself out of these negative emotions as and when they arise, and move to a more peaceful state.

The most important thing that I have learnt as a part of this journey is that my peace is in my hands alone. No one can take it away from me if I don't allow it. And no one else can bring me peace. It is all within me; it has always been. And it is within all of us, if we are willing to find it.